Changes...yet again.
I lost my job in August last year, the job I moved my sons 15 hrs from everything they've known for. Elias lost the contract and then he fired me. I struggled, to find a job, to find my confidence, to find my footing.
I feel like I'm coming out the other side finally. It's taken a lot to get here. I can't say I'm fully out the other side but I'm walking down the tunnel at least.
I've struggled. These last few months, I've been scared, in ways I haven't been in awhile. Financially, since moving here, I've been in a much better place than I've ever been and to have that yanked out from underneath me, in a place where I pretty much know no one and have no safety net at all...was harsh. And scary. I cried so hard at times I made myself sick. I lost a lot of sleep and I lost myself.
I found a new job. It doesn't pay nearly as well but I'm keeping my head above water. I have challenges, both at work and at home, still to face. I need to move but I'm terrified. I don't know...where. Or how. I have no cushion and I'm afraid I'm going to fuck up.
I already feel like I did, by moving here. I know, realistically, that I made the best decisions I could have with the knowledge at hand and I didn't do anything without investigating fully so ...I need to forgive myself and move on. But that's always been one of my biggest struggles: forgiving myself and accepting my shortcomings or flaws or fuckups.
The boys are resilient. Bran is still at home with me but we don't see each other much because we work opposite shifts mostly. I know he's lonely and my heart hurts because I don't know how to help him grow into the man he's supposed to be.
Trev is struggling, from similar things and different things. He's lonely too but I'm so proud he hasn't taken back the psycho chit he was messing around with. He's scared, some from having been hit by the car and some from just not knowing how to be who he is. The autism rears it's ugly head sometimes and my boy drinks and then gets sad. I don't know how to help him. I don't know how to help him make friends or grow outside of his shell and be able to handle the uncomfiness of it. And I don't know what I'll do if he doesn't find his way and instead finds his way to a dark place.
Ryan is like a balloon, bobbing here and there but never truly sinking. I've always said he has more confidence in his little finger than I had in my whole body. I am in awe of him.
My new job...it's not hard. For all intents and purposes, I pretty much just do my own thing. I don't really...fit here. Everyone is either much younger or much older. Same scenario I've always had: no one my age, in my situation. And so I don't fit. Again. Story of my life. I never really fit, as much as I want to find a place I do. Or someone I belong to.
Dey....what to say about Dey. I love her. I'm in love with her. I believe she loves me too. I just don't think I'm the only one she loves. I don't know for sure, being so far away but it's what I believe. Nothing else adds up.
So...I watched this movie tonight. 3 Generations. At the end of the movie, this teenager turns to his mother and says, "I'm proud of you". And I cried. Because I don't know if I've ever heard those words from my own sons. And it made me think. Is my whole life a colossal mistake, some joke I've been repeating for years? Is there anyone in the world who looks at me and thinks, "that person is amazing"? Is there anyone ever going to look at me and say those words? "I'm proud of you".
I want my sons to know, when I'm gone, that everything good I've done in my life is for them.
I hope they know that.
I think I'm going to die alone. Probably not from old age. I think about dying a lot now. And I wish it would just happen already. I'm tired of going through the motions of living.
I lost my job in August last year, the job I moved my sons 15 hrs from everything they've known for. Elias lost the contract and then he fired me. I struggled, to find a job, to find my confidence, to find my footing.
I feel like I'm coming out the other side finally. It's taken a lot to get here. I can't say I'm fully out the other side but I'm walking down the tunnel at least.
I've struggled. These last few months, I've been scared, in ways I haven't been in awhile. Financially, since moving here, I've been in a much better place than I've ever been and to have that yanked out from underneath me, in a place where I pretty much know no one and have no safety net at all...was harsh. And scary. I cried so hard at times I made myself sick. I lost a lot of sleep and I lost myself.
I found a new job. It doesn't pay nearly as well but I'm keeping my head above water. I have challenges, both at work and at home, still to face. I need to move but I'm terrified. I don't know...where. Or how. I have no cushion and I'm afraid I'm going to fuck up.
I already feel like I did, by moving here. I know, realistically, that I made the best decisions I could have with the knowledge at hand and I didn't do anything without investigating fully so ...I need to forgive myself and move on. But that's always been one of my biggest struggles: forgiving myself and accepting my shortcomings or flaws or fuckups.
The boys are resilient. Bran is still at home with me but we don't see each other much because we work opposite shifts mostly. I know he's lonely and my heart hurts because I don't know how to help him grow into the man he's supposed to be.
Trev is struggling, from similar things and different things. He's lonely too but I'm so proud he hasn't taken back the psycho chit he was messing around with. He's scared, some from having been hit by the car and some from just not knowing how to be who he is. The autism rears it's ugly head sometimes and my boy drinks and then gets sad. I don't know how to help him. I don't know how to help him make friends or grow outside of his shell and be able to handle the uncomfiness of it. And I don't know what I'll do if he doesn't find his way and instead finds his way to a dark place.
Ryan is like a balloon, bobbing here and there but never truly sinking. I've always said he has more confidence in his little finger than I had in my whole body. I am in awe of him.
My new job...it's not hard. For all intents and purposes, I pretty much just do my own thing. I don't really...fit here. Everyone is either much younger or much older. Same scenario I've always had: no one my age, in my situation. And so I don't fit. Again. Story of my life. I never really fit, as much as I want to find a place I do. Or someone I belong to.
Dey....what to say about Dey. I love her. I'm in love with her. I believe she loves me too. I just don't think I'm the only one she loves. I don't know for sure, being so far away but it's what I believe. Nothing else adds up.
So...I watched this movie tonight. 3 Generations. At the end of the movie, this teenager turns to his mother and says, "I'm proud of you". And I cried. Because I don't know if I've ever heard those words from my own sons. And it made me think. Is my whole life a colossal mistake, some joke I've been repeating for years? Is there anyone in the world who looks at me and thinks, "that person is amazing"? Is there anyone ever going to look at me and say those words? "I'm proud of you".
I want my sons to know, when I'm gone, that everything good I've done in my life is for them.
I hope they know that.
I think I'm going to die alone. Probably not from old age. I think about dying a lot now. And I wish it would just happen already. I'm tired of going through the motions of living.