My brain today is a mishmash of things, like a vat of boiled spaghetti all wound around itself and tangled.
Let's see if I can unravel it enough to make it make sense...
My boys are a source of joy and frustration, both in the same breath sometimes.
Brandon is getting so tall, growing up and maturing so quickly. He still seems to have no social life to speak of but it's bothering him less so I guess I have to leave it alone. Golf has begun and he's enjoying it but has decided he is sucking pretty bad. I told him to just continue enjoying it and the rest will improve as he goes along. Last night we were watching the VMA's and there was a point where he came to me with tears in his eyes, during a performance by Lady Gaga, because he felt she was expressing a death and it reminded him of his paternal grandmother passing away. It struck me as such an odd dichotomy: this young man who's taller than I am, only 2.5 years from being a legal adult, curled up on the couch with his head in my lap while he sobbed like a small boy again because he felt the loss like it was yesterday.
Trevor is driving me just a little crazy. He's at a point where we rarely seem to be speaking the same language. I don't know if this is exacerbated by the Asperger's. I guess I was spoiled a little by Bran at this age because he was pretty easy. Trev is NOT easy. He has a comeback or response for everything I say, as if he has a button that gets pushed at the sound of my voice that automatically triggers opposition. He's mouthy and either sighs or rolls his eyes every time I ask him to do something and I'm ashamed to say that my first impulse is to smack him in response. I think that's a measure of how far my patience has been pushed because out of everyone in this household, I'm the one with the most when it comes to Trevor. School-wise he's doing well, better than I thought he would. He's managed the transition from grade school to middle school rather well and I'm hoping that continues. He is also in golf and seems to be enjoying it so far.
Ryan is blowing me away. School is going very well thus far. He's barreling right through everything they've put in front of him in Alg. 1 ( a freshman class which he gets high school credit for in 7th grade!) and conquering it. He's been involved in Cross Country and is loving it. I was scared spitless because of his asthma but he's conquered that too. Carries his inhaler with and shrugs it off. They participated in a meet on Saturday and he took a whole minute off his time from last week. I'm thrilled with his joie de vivre. :)
Scouts continues to be a bit of a push. Ryan wants so badly to do some of the things he's ineligible for due to his age (a canoe trip to Canada) and Trev has no interest in those things, even though he IS eligible. Ryan is very motivated, Trev may be a Tenderfoot until he graduates high school. Trev is happy to flow along, Ry wants to speed through like he's part of the Andretti family.
*sigh* So many personalities in this family!
Hubby is....Hubby. The lack of support continues but due to the miracles of Effexor, it's bothering me less, sometimes.
Went to Cleveland with my mother today, to see her liver doctor to find out what the game plan is with treatment options. Dr. Ink recommends Mom start treatment soon. Her viral load is 3,380,000, which is pretty damned high. She's not going to die tomorrow or anything because Hep. C is a slow-moving thing typically but if she waits too long, her chances of putting it into remission fall as the viral load raises. At this point, Mom needs to get her teeth done (because the interferon and other drugs will affect the healing process) and has to get a urine test done, as she's reporting having brown urine a couple of times a week and Dr. Ink says the tests indicate that it shouldn't be a liver issue. Dr. Ink is concerned about it being a kidney issue and wants that ruled out before moving forward. Positives are that Mom is not showing cirrhosis of the liver and that her liver function seems to be okay at this point. She's concerned, however, about how high the viral count is and is afraid that indicates changes coming.
Treatment consists of shots once a week for 48 weeks, and pills twice a day, something called Pegasis (not sure if that's spelled right!) and Interferon. They'll check her 12 wks in, to see if it's helping. By 12 wks, if she's not showing signs of improvement, they'll discontinue treatment. Dr. Ink says most people will improve within the first 4-5 months so if nothing shows by Week 12, it's not going to.
I'm worried for many reasons: I worry about her health, I worry about taking care of her through this because I know no one else is going to help her. I worry about learning how to give her the shots because she's terrified of needles and I'm terrified myself of hurting her. I worry about handling any more additional stress, even though I feel like a coward admitting that. I worry about her lack of a will, and what happens if she DOES die. I worry that I'm not going to be able to handle all of the balls I have in the air and what's going to happen if I drop one of them.
I'm realizing that as much as I have a love/hate relationship with my mother, I don't know how I'd handle losing her. There are so many unresolved things with us.
I got home this afternoon, got everyone to the assorted activities they needed to get to, got them all home and came into the bedroom. I sat on the bed, trying to collect my head.
Listened to Hubby nitpick at each of the boys about stupid little things, just a reason to bitch really. Fed everyone and hopped in the van yet again and when I got to the parking lot for the Scout meeting, realized that not once had Hubby asked how I was and that felt like a smack in the face. Realized I was welling up and didn't want to walk into the meeting that way so gathered it all up and stuffed it down again.
Made it through the meeting and pulled in the drive to see a very unhappy Hubby. I had completely forgotten he was leaving early because he's training on a different area this week. Apologized profusely and was basically brushed off so I know that tomorrow morning is going to suck if I don't kiss his ass.
And honestly? Right now I just don't have the energy to worry about it. I'm drained. I'm tired. Sometimes I need someone to care about me here too. I don't ask for a whole lot, I don't think.
How sad is it that I don't dream of cheating on my husband for hot sex or romance? I just would like someone to talk to. I lay in bed at night and wonder what it would be like to be with someone who valued my thoughts and my opinions, who was my friend.
If ever I was to stray, it would be for that.
Let's see if I can unravel it enough to make it make sense...
My boys are a source of joy and frustration, both in the same breath sometimes.
Brandon is getting so tall, growing up and maturing so quickly. He still seems to have no social life to speak of but it's bothering him less so I guess I have to leave it alone. Golf has begun and he's enjoying it but has decided he is sucking pretty bad. I told him to just continue enjoying it and the rest will improve as he goes along. Last night we were watching the VMA's and there was a point where he came to me with tears in his eyes, during a performance by Lady Gaga, because he felt she was expressing a death and it reminded him of his paternal grandmother passing away. It struck me as such an odd dichotomy: this young man who's taller than I am, only 2.5 years from being a legal adult, curled up on the couch with his head in my lap while he sobbed like a small boy again because he felt the loss like it was yesterday.
Trevor is driving me just a little crazy. He's at a point where we rarely seem to be speaking the same language. I don't know if this is exacerbated by the Asperger's. I guess I was spoiled a little by Bran at this age because he was pretty easy. Trev is NOT easy. He has a comeback or response for everything I say, as if he has a button that gets pushed at the sound of my voice that automatically triggers opposition. He's mouthy and either sighs or rolls his eyes every time I ask him to do something and I'm ashamed to say that my first impulse is to smack him in response. I think that's a measure of how far my patience has been pushed because out of everyone in this household, I'm the one with the most when it comes to Trevor. School-wise he's doing well, better than I thought he would. He's managed the transition from grade school to middle school rather well and I'm hoping that continues. He is also in golf and seems to be enjoying it so far.
Ryan is blowing me away. School is going very well thus far. He's barreling right through everything they've put in front of him in Alg. 1 ( a freshman class which he gets high school credit for in 7th grade!) and conquering it. He's been involved in Cross Country and is loving it. I was scared spitless because of his asthma but he's conquered that too. Carries his inhaler with and shrugs it off. They participated in a meet on Saturday and he took a whole minute off his time from last week. I'm thrilled with his joie de vivre. :)
Scouts continues to be a bit of a push. Ryan wants so badly to do some of the things he's ineligible for due to his age (a canoe trip to Canada) and Trev has no interest in those things, even though he IS eligible. Ryan is very motivated, Trev may be a Tenderfoot until he graduates high school. Trev is happy to flow along, Ry wants to speed through like he's part of the Andretti family.
*sigh* So many personalities in this family!
Hubby is....Hubby. The lack of support continues but due to the miracles of Effexor, it's bothering me less, sometimes.
Went to Cleveland with my mother today, to see her liver doctor to find out what the game plan is with treatment options. Dr. Ink recommends Mom start treatment soon. Her viral load is 3,380,000, which is pretty damned high. She's not going to die tomorrow or anything because Hep. C is a slow-moving thing typically but if she waits too long, her chances of putting it into remission fall as the viral load raises. At this point, Mom needs to get her teeth done (because the interferon and other drugs will affect the healing process) and has to get a urine test done, as she's reporting having brown urine a couple of times a week and Dr. Ink says the tests indicate that it shouldn't be a liver issue. Dr. Ink is concerned about it being a kidney issue and wants that ruled out before moving forward. Positives are that Mom is not showing cirrhosis of the liver and that her liver function seems to be okay at this point. She's concerned, however, about how high the viral count is and is afraid that indicates changes coming.
Treatment consists of shots once a week for 48 weeks, and pills twice a day, something called Pegasis (not sure if that's spelled right!) and Interferon. They'll check her 12 wks in, to see if it's helping. By 12 wks, if she's not showing signs of improvement, they'll discontinue treatment. Dr. Ink says most people will improve within the first 4-5 months so if nothing shows by Week 12, it's not going to.
I'm worried for many reasons: I worry about her health, I worry about taking care of her through this because I know no one else is going to help her. I worry about learning how to give her the shots because she's terrified of needles and I'm terrified myself of hurting her. I worry about handling any more additional stress, even though I feel like a coward admitting that. I worry about her lack of a will, and what happens if she DOES die. I worry that I'm not going to be able to handle all of the balls I have in the air and what's going to happen if I drop one of them.
I'm realizing that as much as I have a love/hate relationship with my mother, I don't know how I'd handle losing her. There are so many unresolved things with us.
I got home this afternoon, got everyone to the assorted activities they needed to get to, got them all home and came into the bedroom. I sat on the bed, trying to collect my head.
Listened to Hubby nitpick at each of the boys about stupid little things, just a reason to bitch really. Fed everyone and hopped in the van yet again and when I got to the parking lot for the Scout meeting, realized that not once had Hubby asked how I was and that felt like a smack in the face. Realized I was welling up and didn't want to walk into the meeting that way so gathered it all up and stuffed it down again.
Made it through the meeting and pulled in the drive to see a very unhappy Hubby. I had completely forgotten he was leaving early because he's training on a different area this week. Apologized profusely and was basically brushed off so I know that tomorrow morning is going to suck if I don't kiss his ass.
And honestly? Right now I just don't have the energy to worry about it. I'm drained. I'm tired. Sometimes I need someone to care about me here too. I don't ask for a whole lot, I don't think.
How sad is it that I don't dream of cheating on my husband for hot sex or romance? I just would like someone to talk to. I lay in bed at night and wonder what it would be like to be with someone who valued my thoughts and my opinions, who was my friend.
If ever I was to stray, it would be for that.