This has been such a tumultuous week. Between having an idiotic McDonald's semi driver back into the side of the van and then verbally assault me, Ry's trip to the ER, doctor appts for the other two, conferences for Bran, chaperoning a field trip tomorrow and trying to wrangle with insurance agents on top of Life In General...I've been exhausted since Monday.
I learned some things about myself on Monday. I've been through a lot of counseling and therapy in my life. I thought I'd managed to deal with my childhood and all the mishmash of crap that resulted from that. And for the most part, I still think that.
This guy on Monday, though...it wasn't pretty. He backed into my van and his immediate reaction was aggression. He got inches from my face and was calling me a moron, a fat bitch, an idiot. You name it, he said it. That part didn't scare me all that much, pissed me off more than anything. I lost my temper. I yelled back. He kept following me around though, and I started to feel cornered. Ridiculous, because we were standing in the drive thru lane at McDonald's but that's how I felt. He kept getting in my face and his aggression grew, to the point that he ended up arrested because he wouldn't even back down for the police.
My reaction blew me away. I'm a pretty controlled person, sometimes OVERLY so.
Beyond the physical reaction (shaking, heart pounding, adrenaline pumping, etc) I also reacted mentally. The only way to describe it is that I felt just like I used to in the midst of my parents fighting. It was a combination of trying to figure out how to settle the situation and find a place to hide. I felt like a little girl again, made even worse because my son was there. How could I protect him I if I couldn't even protect myself??
I'm ashamed of my lack of control of my temper and mouth, I'm ashamed to say that I peed a little in my pants when this man was looming over me and threatening to kick my ass. I'm ashamed that I haven't really put it all as far behind me as I thought I did.
I guess it could have been worse. I could have been hauled off to the clink too for whacking him one, because at one point in the midst of the whole mess, I was pissed off enough that I might have.
Just a lesson that maybe I'm not as far removed from it all as I thought.
Another lesson: I will never forgive or forget Hubby's betrayals. I've tried. Really, really tried. I stayed in therapy for a year and a half after he quit, trying to muddle through it.
Maybe it's a weakness on my part but it has never really gone out of my head. It was mostly out of my head and then she called. It was mostly out of my head and then she tried to add him on Yahoo messenger. There hasn't been anything else from her in the last few months but I can't seem to stop waiting for it. I don't know if this is a failing on my behalf or a character flaw on his...maybe both? Stupid things make me doubt: the fact that he felt the need to wash his hands and penis before coming to bed this morning, the fact that he occasionally drives further than the 5.1 miles it takes for him to drive from home to work and back again (and how sad is it that I know exactly that distance??) and denies having gone anywhere but work and home...he's not helping things, either.
In other news...there isn't a lot else. I miss my nieces, talked to their mom this morning and I think I'm going to have them over next week. They are such a bright spot in my life.
And as much as the boys sometimes drive me batty, they are too. Bran is starting back on his Concerta on Monday, a necessity as by the third week of school F's started popping up. He's capable of SO much better and I'd rather see him on meds and reaching his potential than off meds and struggling. So back we go. Trev is okay in terms of grades but his attitude and I are not friends right now. He's become so mouthy and just...a teenager in every nightmare-ish version of the word. He's still a sweetheart, just trying to see where his boundaries are in ways Bran never really has.
Ryan is fabulous. His grades are stellar, attitude is great, just a happy go lucky kiddo right now. I swear they pull straws each year to see who's going to be my trying one.
Bah. Bedtime. I've managed to drain the brain for the night, I think.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Monday, September 14, 2009
Overload
My brain today is a mishmash of things, like a vat of boiled spaghetti all wound around itself and tangled.
Let's see if I can unravel it enough to make it make sense...
My boys are a source of joy and frustration, both in the same breath sometimes.
Brandon is getting so tall, growing up and maturing so quickly. He still seems to have no social life to speak of but it's bothering him less so I guess I have to leave it alone. Golf has begun and he's enjoying it but has decided he is sucking pretty bad. I told him to just continue enjoying it and the rest will improve as he goes along. Last night we were watching the VMA's and there was a point where he came to me with tears in his eyes, during a performance by Lady Gaga, because he felt she was expressing a death and it reminded him of his paternal grandmother passing away. It struck me as such an odd dichotomy: this young man who's taller than I am, only 2.5 years from being a legal adult, curled up on the couch with his head in my lap while he sobbed like a small boy again because he felt the loss like it was yesterday.
Trevor is driving me just a little crazy. He's at a point where we rarely seem to be speaking the same language. I don't know if this is exacerbated by the Asperger's. I guess I was spoiled a little by Bran at this age because he was pretty easy. Trev is NOT easy. He has a comeback or response for everything I say, as if he has a button that gets pushed at the sound of my voice that automatically triggers opposition. He's mouthy and either sighs or rolls his eyes every time I ask him to do something and I'm ashamed to say that my first impulse is to smack him in response. I think that's a measure of how far my patience has been pushed because out of everyone in this household, I'm the one with the most when it comes to Trevor. School-wise he's doing well, better than I thought he would. He's managed the transition from grade school to middle school rather well and I'm hoping that continues. He is also in golf and seems to be enjoying it so far.
Ryan is blowing me away. School is going very well thus far. He's barreling right through everything they've put in front of him in Alg. 1 ( a freshman class which he gets high school credit for in 7th grade!) and conquering it. He's been involved in Cross Country and is loving it. I was scared spitless because of his asthma but he's conquered that too. Carries his inhaler with and shrugs it off. They participated in a meet on Saturday and he took a whole minute off his time from last week. I'm thrilled with his joie de vivre. :)
Scouts continues to be a bit of a push. Ryan wants so badly to do some of the things he's ineligible for due to his age (a canoe trip to Canada) and Trev has no interest in those things, even though he IS eligible. Ryan is very motivated, Trev may be a Tenderfoot until he graduates high school. Trev is happy to flow along, Ry wants to speed through like he's part of the Andretti family.
*sigh* So many personalities in this family!
Hubby is....Hubby. The lack of support continues but due to the miracles of Effexor, it's bothering me less, sometimes.
Went to Cleveland with my mother today, to see her liver doctor to find out what the game plan is with treatment options. Dr. Ink recommends Mom start treatment soon. Her viral load is 3,380,000, which is pretty damned high. She's not going to die tomorrow or anything because Hep. C is a slow-moving thing typically but if she waits too long, her chances of putting it into remission fall as the viral load raises. At this point, Mom needs to get her teeth done (because the interferon and other drugs will affect the healing process) and has to get a urine test done, as she's reporting having brown urine a couple of times a week and Dr. Ink says the tests indicate that it shouldn't be a liver issue. Dr. Ink is concerned about it being a kidney issue and wants that ruled out before moving forward. Positives are that Mom is not showing cirrhosis of the liver and that her liver function seems to be okay at this point. She's concerned, however, about how high the viral count is and is afraid that indicates changes coming.
Treatment consists of shots once a week for 48 weeks, and pills twice a day, something called Pegasis (not sure if that's spelled right!) and Interferon. They'll check her 12 wks in, to see if it's helping. By 12 wks, if she's not showing signs of improvement, they'll discontinue treatment. Dr. Ink says most people will improve within the first 4-5 months so if nothing shows by Week 12, it's not going to.
I'm worried for many reasons: I worry about her health, I worry about taking care of her through this because I know no one else is going to help her. I worry about learning how to give her the shots because she's terrified of needles and I'm terrified myself of hurting her. I worry about handling any more additional stress, even though I feel like a coward admitting that. I worry about her lack of a will, and what happens if she DOES die. I worry that I'm not going to be able to handle all of the balls I have in the air and what's going to happen if I drop one of them.
I'm realizing that as much as I have a love/hate relationship with my mother, I don't know how I'd handle losing her. There are so many unresolved things with us.
I got home this afternoon, got everyone to the assorted activities they needed to get to, got them all home and came into the bedroom. I sat on the bed, trying to collect my head.
Listened to Hubby nitpick at each of the boys about stupid little things, just a reason to bitch really. Fed everyone and hopped in the van yet again and when I got to the parking lot for the Scout meeting, realized that not once had Hubby asked how I was and that felt like a smack in the face. Realized I was welling up and didn't want to walk into the meeting that way so gathered it all up and stuffed it down again.
Made it through the meeting and pulled in the drive to see a very unhappy Hubby. I had completely forgotten he was leaving early because he's training on a different area this week. Apologized profusely and was basically brushed off so I know that tomorrow morning is going to suck if I don't kiss his ass.
And honestly? Right now I just don't have the energy to worry about it. I'm drained. I'm tired. Sometimes I need someone to care about me here too. I don't ask for a whole lot, I don't think.
How sad is it that I don't dream of cheating on my husband for hot sex or romance? I just would like someone to talk to. I lay in bed at night and wonder what it would be like to be with someone who valued my thoughts and my opinions, who was my friend.
If ever I was to stray, it would be for that.
Let's see if I can unravel it enough to make it make sense...
My boys are a source of joy and frustration, both in the same breath sometimes.
Brandon is getting so tall, growing up and maturing so quickly. He still seems to have no social life to speak of but it's bothering him less so I guess I have to leave it alone. Golf has begun and he's enjoying it but has decided he is sucking pretty bad. I told him to just continue enjoying it and the rest will improve as he goes along. Last night we were watching the VMA's and there was a point where he came to me with tears in his eyes, during a performance by Lady Gaga, because he felt she was expressing a death and it reminded him of his paternal grandmother passing away. It struck me as such an odd dichotomy: this young man who's taller than I am, only 2.5 years from being a legal adult, curled up on the couch with his head in my lap while he sobbed like a small boy again because he felt the loss like it was yesterday.
Trevor is driving me just a little crazy. He's at a point where we rarely seem to be speaking the same language. I don't know if this is exacerbated by the Asperger's. I guess I was spoiled a little by Bran at this age because he was pretty easy. Trev is NOT easy. He has a comeback or response for everything I say, as if he has a button that gets pushed at the sound of my voice that automatically triggers opposition. He's mouthy and either sighs or rolls his eyes every time I ask him to do something and I'm ashamed to say that my first impulse is to smack him in response. I think that's a measure of how far my patience has been pushed because out of everyone in this household, I'm the one with the most when it comes to Trevor. School-wise he's doing well, better than I thought he would. He's managed the transition from grade school to middle school rather well and I'm hoping that continues. He is also in golf and seems to be enjoying it so far.
Ryan is blowing me away. School is going very well thus far. He's barreling right through everything they've put in front of him in Alg. 1 ( a freshman class which he gets high school credit for in 7th grade!) and conquering it. He's been involved in Cross Country and is loving it. I was scared spitless because of his asthma but he's conquered that too. Carries his inhaler with and shrugs it off. They participated in a meet on Saturday and he took a whole minute off his time from last week. I'm thrilled with his joie de vivre. :)
Scouts continues to be a bit of a push. Ryan wants so badly to do some of the things he's ineligible for due to his age (a canoe trip to Canada) and Trev has no interest in those things, even though he IS eligible. Ryan is very motivated, Trev may be a Tenderfoot until he graduates high school. Trev is happy to flow along, Ry wants to speed through like he's part of the Andretti family.
*sigh* So many personalities in this family!
Hubby is....Hubby. The lack of support continues but due to the miracles of Effexor, it's bothering me less, sometimes.
Went to Cleveland with my mother today, to see her liver doctor to find out what the game plan is with treatment options. Dr. Ink recommends Mom start treatment soon. Her viral load is 3,380,000, which is pretty damned high. She's not going to die tomorrow or anything because Hep. C is a slow-moving thing typically but if she waits too long, her chances of putting it into remission fall as the viral load raises. At this point, Mom needs to get her teeth done (because the interferon and other drugs will affect the healing process) and has to get a urine test done, as she's reporting having brown urine a couple of times a week and Dr. Ink says the tests indicate that it shouldn't be a liver issue. Dr. Ink is concerned about it being a kidney issue and wants that ruled out before moving forward. Positives are that Mom is not showing cirrhosis of the liver and that her liver function seems to be okay at this point. She's concerned, however, about how high the viral count is and is afraid that indicates changes coming.
Treatment consists of shots once a week for 48 weeks, and pills twice a day, something called Pegasis (not sure if that's spelled right!) and Interferon. They'll check her 12 wks in, to see if it's helping. By 12 wks, if she's not showing signs of improvement, they'll discontinue treatment. Dr. Ink says most people will improve within the first 4-5 months so if nothing shows by Week 12, it's not going to.
I'm worried for many reasons: I worry about her health, I worry about taking care of her through this because I know no one else is going to help her. I worry about learning how to give her the shots because she's terrified of needles and I'm terrified myself of hurting her. I worry about handling any more additional stress, even though I feel like a coward admitting that. I worry about her lack of a will, and what happens if she DOES die. I worry that I'm not going to be able to handle all of the balls I have in the air and what's going to happen if I drop one of them.
I'm realizing that as much as I have a love/hate relationship with my mother, I don't know how I'd handle losing her. There are so many unresolved things with us.
I got home this afternoon, got everyone to the assorted activities they needed to get to, got them all home and came into the bedroom. I sat on the bed, trying to collect my head.
Listened to Hubby nitpick at each of the boys about stupid little things, just a reason to bitch really. Fed everyone and hopped in the van yet again and when I got to the parking lot for the Scout meeting, realized that not once had Hubby asked how I was and that felt like a smack in the face. Realized I was welling up and didn't want to walk into the meeting that way so gathered it all up and stuffed it down again.
Made it through the meeting and pulled in the drive to see a very unhappy Hubby. I had completely forgotten he was leaving early because he's training on a different area this week. Apologized profusely and was basically brushed off so I know that tomorrow morning is going to suck if I don't kiss his ass.
And honestly? Right now I just don't have the energy to worry about it. I'm drained. I'm tired. Sometimes I need someone to care about me here too. I don't ask for a whole lot, I don't think.
How sad is it that I don't dream of cheating on my husband for hot sex or romance? I just would like someone to talk to. I lay in bed at night and wonder what it would be like to be with someone who valued my thoughts and my opinions, who was my friend.
If ever I was to stray, it would be for that.
Monday, July 20, 2009
The shoe dropped
As expected, the other shoe did, indeed, drop.
We had an argument every day for over a week straight. He called off work three days in a row. Day #1 I didn't even know about until he showed up nearly 45 minutes after he left. He came in, showed me where he'd rigged the blinds in the bedroom so he could see in from the outside, and explained that he thought I was cheating on him so was going to park at the church up the street and come spy on me, to try and catch me.
*sigh* I've never cheated on him, not once. Not even close. This blew me away.
Day #2 he went but ended up coming home 2 hrs later because he got in a screaming match with his supervisor about a senority issue.
Day #3 he went to the ER for a stye (A STYE!!!) and asked the ER doc to write him off.
He got his ass (and put our family in a whole lot of jeopardy) in a tight spot, to the degree that we weren't sure if he was going to lose his job or not.
At this point, it sounds like he's going to end up with a total of 4 pts (earning 2 in addition to the 2 he already had). This puts him in the hotseat if there's any talk of layoff again. He was already there due to where he falls in the senority ladder but this makes it worse because of his work ethic. He's had quality issues lately too. I literally don't know what he was thinking. I don't know how he could do this. His job is the main money coming in to our home. I take care of the rent and have a little extra coming in with my cleaning jobs and child support but his takes care of the brunt of the bills. How could he put that in danger???
I don't know that I'll ever understand. I don't know him anymore.
I went to the doc on Friday and she's prescribed antidepressants. I don't really want to take them but have to be honest and say that I do know I have some depression kicking. I try really hard not to get mired down in it but there's only so much I can do.
So I start Effexor tomorrow. I've done some reading about it on the 'Net and feel fairly confident that I know what I'm dealing with. Keeping my fingers crossed that this helps me head into a better space.
I've been putting apps in, at least as many as I can in this dying little town. I've spent quite a bit of time lately, seriously considering moving but I worry about uprooting the boys from the school system they've spent their entire lives at. I worry about taking them away from their friends. I worry about the stability they're going to need, when other things in their lives are tossed into turmoil. I'm going to try to stick it out as much as possible but I can't guarantee that it will stay possible.
I cleaned out all personal items from the van because he'll take that with him and honestly, I can't say that the next time we have a big old bad fight and he threatens to leave, that I won't tell him to just go ahead. I'm that tired of the fighting and the issues.
He woke up the other morning and is acting all happy again. I believe, now more than ever, that he's either on drugs or bipolar or both. There's no other explanation for his behavior. You don't go for a week straight being hyper critical and picking fights with all of us, yelling at every little thing until you have your wife literally throwing-up-upset and then turn up one morning all rainbows and sunshine without having one or both of those situations kicking. I just can't believe otherwise.
I recognize the instability there, can see how he manipulates and uses emotional terrorism here. I recognize the emotional and mental abuse, the verbal abuse, the controlling behaviors.
I see them for what they are and I know that I don't want to live the rest of my life this way. I'm nearing 35 and I deserve some peace.
The turning point? The week he was gone to Texas visiting his son. It was so peaceful, so nice not to walk on eggshells and that's what I want but will never have with him.
Enough. Is. Enough.
Now it's just a matter of maintaining, finding a job, getting a car in the works (or a job within walking distance) and reclaiming my life. It might take a bit but that's my plan.
Step One: recognition and game plan.
We had an argument every day for over a week straight. He called off work three days in a row. Day #1 I didn't even know about until he showed up nearly 45 minutes after he left. He came in, showed me where he'd rigged the blinds in the bedroom so he could see in from the outside, and explained that he thought I was cheating on him so was going to park at the church up the street and come spy on me, to try and catch me.
*sigh* I've never cheated on him, not once. Not even close. This blew me away.
Day #2 he went but ended up coming home 2 hrs later because he got in a screaming match with his supervisor about a senority issue.
Day #3 he went to the ER for a stye (A STYE!!!) and asked the ER doc to write him off.
He got his ass (and put our family in a whole lot of jeopardy) in a tight spot, to the degree that we weren't sure if he was going to lose his job or not.
At this point, it sounds like he's going to end up with a total of 4 pts (earning 2 in addition to the 2 he already had). This puts him in the hotseat if there's any talk of layoff again. He was already there due to where he falls in the senority ladder but this makes it worse because of his work ethic. He's had quality issues lately too. I literally don't know what he was thinking. I don't know how he could do this. His job is the main money coming in to our home. I take care of the rent and have a little extra coming in with my cleaning jobs and child support but his takes care of the brunt of the bills. How could he put that in danger???
I don't know that I'll ever understand. I don't know him anymore.
I went to the doc on Friday and she's prescribed antidepressants. I don't really want to take them but have to be honest and say that I do know I have some depression kicking. I try really hard not to get mired down in it but there's only so much I can do.
So I start Effexor tomorrow. I've done some reading about it on the 'Net and feel fairly confident that I know what I'm dealing with. Keeping my fingers crossed that this helps me head into a better space.
I've been putting apps in, at least as many as I can in this dying little town. I've spent quite a bit of time lately, seriously considering moving but I worry about uprooting the boys from the school system they've spent their entire lives at. I worry about taking them away from their friends. I worry about the stability they're going to need, when other things in their lives are tossed into turmoil. I'm going to try to stick it out as much as possible but I can't guarantee that it will stay possible.
I cleaned out all personal items from the van because he'll take that with him and honestly, I can't say that the next time we have a big old bad fight and he threatens to leave, that I won't tell him to just go ahead. I'm that tired of the fighting and the issues.
He woke up the other morning and is acting all happy again. I believe, now more than ever, that he's either on drugs or bipolar or both. There's no other explanation for his behavior. You don't go for a week straight being hyper critical and picking fights with all of us, yelling at every little thing until you have your wife literally throwing-up-upset and then turn up one morning all rainbows and sunshine without having one or both of those situations kicking. I just can't believe otherwise.
I recognize the instability there, can see how he manipulates and uses emotional terrorism here. I recognize the emotional and mental abuse, the verbal abuse, the controlling behaviors.
I see them for what they are and I know that I don't want to live the rest of my life this way. I'm nearing 35 and I deserve some peace.
The turning point? The week he was gone to Texas visiting his son. It was so peaceful, so nice not to walk on eggshells and that's what I want but will never have with him.
Enough. Is. Enough.
Now it's just a matter of maintaining, finding a job, getting a car in the works (or a job within walking distance) and reclaiming my life. It might take a bit but that's my plan.
Step One: recognition and game plan.
Monday, July 6, 2009
Life
I know, rationally, that Life has ups and downs, that nothing ever truly stays static and my Life is no different.
Things have been coasting along. Internally, I'm like a see-saw. Hubby has been rather easy to get along with lately and that's nice but also sets me a little on edge because past experience has taught me that when he's this easygoing, there's something else going on somewhere. I suppose I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, that I should just enjoy this semi-peace for what it is but I'm a worrier by nature. That's not to say that I'm not enjoying the lesser levels of aggravation, heartache and stress!! I just worry and wonder when the other shoe is going to drop.
This Summer is flying by and I still don't feel like I've got a grip on it yet. I don't feel like we've truly settled into any sort of rhythm and I'm afraid that it's going to fly by so swiftly, we'll lose it before we actually have it. I always have so much I want to do during the time the boys are home and the older they get, the less I seem to actually accomplish!
Overall, it's been nice to have the extra time with them, though. I'm struck, nearly daily, by the growth in them---physically AND mentally. Brandon is such a young man now, I have difficulty calling him a child because he's really not anymore. Fifteen and I'm seeing more and more the man he's becoming. It's thrilling and scary and heartwrenching.
Trevor is maturing too, although he still has his "boy" side. It's very telling, however, that he gives Ry a hard time about girls. He's past the "turn head at kissing scenes in movies" stage, which is rather shocking to me because WHEN did THAT happen?? Ryan still covers his eyes but I know the time isn't so far away for that to pass as well.
I watch my boys and it warms my heart to no end that they're as close as they are. Granted, there's typical "brother" behaviors but overall, they're very close and I'm glad for that. They actually act like siblings, which is very far from the way my siblings and I interact. My sister and younger brother are more like my kids and my older brother never, ever acted like an older brother to me. I love how protective Bran is of his brothers.
Trevor, for some reason, has a vague sort of competition going with Ryan and I need to keep an eye on that. I don't know if it's because they're so close in age (1year, 2 mos) or if it's something else but he needs to stop pushing Ry's buttons or he's going to push him away. I know that they need to define their own relationships with one another but as their mom, I can't stomach the idea that when I'm dead and gone, they won't be there for one another. Just doesn't set well with me. And yes, I know I've (hopefully) got time left but you never know! Things happen.
Floating seems to be the theme for the summer. I feel like I'm floating through Life right now, sort of directionless and I don't know that that makes me very happy.
I feel like I need a direction but I keep waiting for the direction to present itself and it's just not happening. Is this what Life is? A series of waves that knock you around a bit, depending on the direction of the wind or the pull of gravity?
There are lots of positive "waves". The garden I put in is flourishing like mad. It's my first REAL garden, more than just a tomato plant or two. I'm anxious to see how it produces. I'd like to do some canning and if there's extra, sell it at the farmer's market here in town.
My nieces are darling and I've loved having time with them. They feel very much like my grandchildren, probably because Bobby has always felt like my 1st child. Whatever the case, they're adorable and have firmly situated themselves inside my heart.
My mother and I have had a few spitspats about them, because she feels each time I visit with them, she needs to come see them. This bothers me because a) she has just as much opportunity to call their mother up and ask for a visit and I don't understand why she's so lazy that she DOESN'T!, b) she gives me a huge guilt trip if I don't tell her when I've got them, and c) not once while she's here to see the girls does she even interact with my boys.
Logically, I know that she doesn't want the responsibility of caring for them and would rather spend half an hour pretending to be a grandmother to them here but that's fake to me and I've had enough of fake in my life. And the part about ignoring the boys infuriates me.
We've lived in the same town for nearly 12 years now and I can count on both hands the number of times she's come to my house. She's been here more in the last two months to see the girls than she has the entire time we've been here, to see the boys.
I know that comes across as rather jealous but it's not about jealousy. It breaks my heart for my sons that this person who's supposed to be their grandmother is so uninvolved with them. They're old enough now that they're very aware of the inconsistencies there and it hurts them too, even if they never say a word to her about it. It's renewed my vow to be a completely different type of grandparent than she is, to follow more in the steps of my paternal grandmother.
It's a relief in a lot of ways to be done with PTO. I enjoyed it but not having the stress of it is definitely a blessing! My cell phone bill is much more easily managed as well :)
I guess the best way to describe things right now is that I feel like we're floating in Limbo and I'm waiting for the boat to spring a leak.
My glass is half full but has a hairline crack :P
Things have been coasting along. Internally, I'm like a see-saw. Hubby has been rather easy to get along with lately and that's nice but also sets me a little on edge because past experience has taught me that when he's this easygoing, there's something else going on somewhere. I suppose I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, that I should just enjoy this semi-peace for what it is but I'm a worrier by nature. That's not to say that I'm not enjoying the lesser levels of aggravation, heartache and stress!! I just worry and wonder when the other shoe is going to drop.
This Summer is flying by and I still don't feel like I've got a grip on it yet. I don't feel like we've truly settled into any sort of rhythm and I'm afraid that it's going to fly by so swiftly, we'll lose it before we actually have it. I always have so much I want to do during the time the boys are home and the older they get, the less I seem to actually accomplish!
Overall, it's been nice to have the extra time with them, though. I'm struck, nearly daily, by the growth in them---physically AND mentally. Brandon is such a young man now, I have difficulty calling him a child because he's really not anymore. Fifteen and I'm seeing more and more the man he's becoming. It's thrilling and scary and heartwrenching.
Trevor is maturing too, although he still has his "boy" side. It's very telling, however, that he gives Ry a hard time about girls. He's past the "turn head at kissing scenes in movies" stage, which is rather shocking to me because WHEN did THAT happen?? Ryan still covers his eyes but I know the time isn't so far away for that to pass as well.
I watch my boys and it warms my heart to no end that they're as close as they are. Granted, there's typical "brother" behaviors but overall, they're very close and I'm glad for that. They actually act like siblings, which is very far from the way my siblings and I interact. My sister and younger brother are more like my kids and my older brother never, ever acted like an older brother to me. I love how protective Bran is of his brothers.
Trevor, for some reason, has a vague sort of competition going with Ryan and I need to keep an eye on that. I don't know if it's because they're so close in age (1year, 2 mos) or if it's something else but he needs to stop pushing Ry's buttons or he's going to push him away. I know that they need to define their own relationships with one another but as their mom, I can't stomach the idea that when I'm dead and gone, they won't be there for one another. Just doesn't set well with me. And yes, I know I've (hopefully) got time left but you never know! Things happen.
Floating seems to be the theme for the summer. I feel like I'm floating through Life right now, sort of directionless and I don't know that that makes me very happy.
I feel like I need a direction but I keep waiting for the direction to present itself and it's just not happening. Is this what Life is? A series of waves that knock you around a bit, depending on the direction of the wind or the pull of gravity?
There are lots of positive "waves". The garden I put in is flourishing like mad. It's my first REAL garden, more than just a tomato plant or two. I'm anxious to see how it produces. I'd like to do some canning and if there's extra, sell it at the farmer's market here in town.
My nieces are darling and I've loved having time with them. They feel very much like my grandchildren, probably because Bobby has always felt like my 1st child. Whatever the case, they're adorable and have firmly situated themselves inside my heart.
My mother and I have had a few spitspats about them, because she feels each time I visit with them, she needs to come see them. This bothers me because a) she has just as much opportunity to call their mother up and ask for a visit and I don't understand why she's so lazy that she DOESN'T!, b) she gives me a huge guilt trip if I don't tell her when I've got them, and c) not once while she's here to see the girls does she even interact with my boys.
Logically, I know that she doesn't want the responsibility of caring for them and would rather spend half an hour pretending to be a grandmother to them here but that's fake to me and I've had enough of fake in my life. And the part about ignoring the boys infuriates me.
We've lived in the same town for nearly 12 years now and I can count on both hands the number of times she's come to my house. She's been here more in the last two months to see the girls than she has the entire time we've been here, to see the boys.
I know that comes across as rather jealous but it's not about jealousy. It breaks my heart for my sons that this person who's supposed to be their grandmother is so uninvolved with them. They're old enough now that they're very aware of the inconsistencies there and it hurts them too, even if they never say a word to her about it. It's renewed my vow to be a completely different type of grandparent than she is, to follow more in the steps of my paternal grandmother.
It's a relief in a lot of ways to be done with PTO. I enjoyed it but not having the stress of it is definitely a blessing! My cell phone bill is much more easily managed as well :)
I guess the best way to describe things right now is that I feel like we're floating in Limbo and I'm waiting for the boat to spring a leak.
My glass is half full but has a hairline crack :P
Saturday, April 25, 2009
In search of answers and peace
It's a gorgeous day today. Morning has crept into a full blown sunlit day, with a breeze and warm temps and it's only 9am. I'm sitting in my bedroom at this computer, listening to the younger two boys bickering as they clean their room, listening to the wind blow through the trees on the back hill, listening to the clack of the keyboard keys as I make mistake after mistake while typing this.
Stuttering fingers this morning, I guess.
I'm in an odd mood. I'd like to say that since the last entry things went all smooth and back to normal and in some ways, that's true. In others, not so much.
I've spent a lot of time running my fool head off but that has also left me inside my head a lot too.
I'm tired of dealing with other people's drama. This situation with my younger brother is ridiculous but a result of his bad choices. I'll be there for my nieces but I'm pretty certain their mother is in the midst of her own sets of bads choices (alcohol) and I can only do so much.
Hubby and his issues...I can't fix him. Heck, I can't even talk to him most of the time. We don't speak the same language. We get along best when we avoid each other and that's not a marriage.
Ten years of marriage and it's like having a really temperamental roommate that I have sex with.
Yesterday evening was perplexing. Bran won his first tennis match ever!! I was over the moon for him, probably as excited as he was. He walked off the tennis court, listening to his teammates congratulate him and wearing this aura of pride. That is such a nice change of pace!! Tennis has helped him become a stronger person and I'm glad for that.
We stopped at the Fin because Hubby wanted to go fishing today and needed lures, then Bran needed to be taken to his dad's.
No problems there. It wasn't until Deano decided he wanted to stop at his friend Mike's around the corner that the issues began.
He got all weird at the vehicles in the drive, but went inside. The younger two and I sat in the car for nearly 25 minutes before he came back out and gestured me out of the car.
Note: these are his friends. NOT mine. I know who they are but we have next to nothing in common and I don't know them well. There are "lifestyle choices" that don't agree with mine and I choose not to be around them much.
Long story short, the boys were starving and I was trying hard to usher Hubby along so that we could get them fed. It was nearly 9pm before we finally left and we typically eat dinner at 5:30!
We argued the whole way home. He said I embarassed him, that he felt like he was standing there with his disapproving mother, that the least I can do is be friendly to his friends.
In my defense, I WAS!! I stood outside their house, talked about random generic things, laughed with the wife....I played nice. I just don't want to be best buddies. Apparently, there's something wrong with that.
I went my way and he went his once we were home. I Facebooked (is that even a real term?) and I read until I began to feel tired and then I went to bed. As I lay there in the dark, I thought about the day and got teary, which of course is when he chose to stand in the doorway.
That led to a long, tearful (on my part) conversation and dumping of brain.
I don't want to live this way anymore. I don't want to walk on eggshells, not knowing how someone's going to react or what mood they're going to be in each hour. I don't want to have a roommate with benefits marriage. I'm lonely. That's not to say I want to run out and begin a relationship with someone else, because I don't. I just don't want to be in an unhappy one. I'd be less lonely if I were living by myself, if that makes sense.
I want peace. I want stability. I want to be able to relax inside my own four walls.
I want joy in Life and I want my boys to be able to grow up and NOT be what they're seeing right now when we argue.
I love him but I don't want to be together just because of that, if we only bring out the worst in one another. Neither of us deserves that kind of life.
I don't understand why it's all so complicated...and maybe it's not, maybe it just seems that way because I'm drowning in the middle of it all. Maybe if I stepped back, it would all fall into perspective. I just don't know how to do that right this second.
***
So he's fishing. I'm trying to get motivated because I have 100+ things to do today.
The boys are muttering to one another. I guess this is as much peace as I am likely to get this day.
Stuttering fingers this morning, I guess.
I'm in an odd mood. I'd like to say that since the last entry things went all smooth and back to normal and in some ways, that's true. In others, not so much.
I've spent a lot of time running my fool head off but that has also left me inside my head a lot too.
I'm tired of dealing with other people's drama. This situation with my younger brother is ridiculous but a result of his bad choices. I'll be there for my nieces but I'm pretty certain their mother is in the midst of her own sets of bads choices (alcohol) and I can only do so much.
Hubby and his issues...I can't fix him. Heck, I can't even talk to him most of the time. We don't speak the same language. We get along best when we avoid each other and that's not a marriage.
Ten years of marriage and it's like having a really temperamental roommate that I have sex with.
Yesterday evening was perplexing. Bran won his first tennis match ever!! I was over the moon for him, probably as excited as he was. He walked off the tennis court, listening to his teammates congratulate him and wearing this aura of pride. That is such a nice change of pace!! Tennis has helped him become a stronger person and I'm glad for that.
We stopped at the Fin because Hubby wanted to go fishing today and needed lures, then Bran needed to be taken to his dad's.
No problems there. It wasn't until Deano decided he wanted to stop at his friend Mike's around the corner that the issues began.
He got all weird at the vehicles in the drive, but went inside. The younger two and I sat in the car for nearly 25 minutes before he came back out and gestured me out of the car.
Note: these are his friends. NOT mine. I know who they are but we have next to nothing in common and I don't know them well. There are "lifestyle choices" that don't agree with mine and I choose not to be around them much.
Long story short, the boys were starving and I was trying hard to usher Hubby along so that we could get them fed. It was nearly 9pm before we finally left and we typically eat dinner at 5:30!
We argued the whole way home. He said I embarassed him, that he felt like he was standing there with his disapproving mother, that the least I can do is be friendly to his friends.
In my defense, I WAS!! I stood outside their house, talked about random generic things, laughed with the wife....I played nice. I just don't want to be best buddies. Apparently, there's something wrong with that.
I went my way and he went his once we were home. I Facebooked (is that even a real term?) and I read until I began to feel tired and then I went to bed. As I lay there in the dark, I thought about the day and got teary, which of course is when he chose to stand in the doorway.
That led to a long, tearful (on my part) conversation and dumping of brain.
I don't want to live this way anymore. I don't want to walk on eggshells, not knowing how someone's going to react or what mood they're going to be in each hour. I don't want to have a roommate with benefits marriage. I'm lonely. That's not to say I want to run out and begin a relationship with someone else, because I don't. I just don't want to be in an unhappy one. I'd be less lonely if I were living by myself, if that makes sense.
I want peace. I want stability. I want to be able to relax inside my own four walls.
I want joy in Life and I want my boys to be able to grow up and NOT be what they're seeing right now when we argue.
I love him but I don't want to be together just because of that, if we only bring out the worst in one another. Neither of us deserves that kind of life.
I don't understand why it's all so complicated...and maybe it's not, maybe it just seems that way because I'm drowning in the middle of it all. Maybe if I stepped back, it would all fall into perspective. I just don't know how to do that right this second.
***
So he's fishing. I'm trying to get motivated because I have 100+ things to do today.
The boys are muttering to one another. I guess this is as much peace as I am likely to get this day.
Monday, April 13, 2009
bad night
Today was going so well. I'd gotten the things accomplished that I needed to, had picked up a couple of things I needed for Scouts tonight. Then I get this text message from my husband, asking where I was.
Apparently, he'd wanted to go to his pal's house tonight. I hadn't a clue, because he didn't mention it to me at all. I get home from picking up the boys and finishing up the errands I needed to run and he was fuming. Pissed is a better word.
And that sent my entire evening into a downward spiral. Because he was unhappy, everyone else was going to be as well. He doesn't ever acknowledge his own screw ups but damned if he doesn't point out everyone else's.
Not once would he admit tonight that if he wanted to do something, he should have said something. Instead, it was all my fault: I intuit things for the boys and therefore should treat him the same (a breath after he screamed at me for "treating him like one of the boys"), I'm always too busy doing things for PTO/Scouts/Tennis/The Boys that I don't EVER think of him, etc. etc. etc.
In his view, tonight, I'm a lousy wife. Why he even bothers to come home from work is a mystery to him. He has no Life and it's all my fault, because I hold him back from doing everything he wants to do, except work, work and more work. He threatened numerous times to walk, got in my face and screamed with veins popping out in his neck, spittle flying...
and yet I'm the cause of all our stress. As the evening progressed, he felt I'd screwed up by making him eat leftovers, hadn't washed the shirt he wanted to wear (even though he has about 30 tshirts to choose from and could have worn any of the others or TOLD ME that he wanted to wear this one), bothered him while he was watching the Cavs and then packed the wrong things for his lunch. I left for Scouts, came home and it was more of the same.
I'm so tired. The Smart Girl in me knows this is emotional abuse, that he can't take responsibility for his own actions and so he blames everyone around him for the results. The Smart Girl in me says this is ridiculous, that I'm married to a 2 yr old who, when he doesn't get his way, stomps his feet and throws his tantrums. The Smart Girl in me also knows that I have no job, no way to support my kids and is terrified to tell him to hit the road because she doesn't know what she'll do.
No car. No job. Those two things keep playing Ring Around The Rosie in my head because without one, I have trouble with another, and vice versa. If he leaves, he takes the van with him because it's technically in his mother's name. I'm so fucked.
Finally managed to file our taxes last week and we're getting a whopping $2000 if we're lucky, after the IRS and Child Support takes their chunks. The original return was nearly $6000.
I half-jokingly told him I need a job and we need a divorce so that I can get a real tax return.
I think he thought I was REALLY joking. I wasn't honestly joking at all. I'm tired of having money I should be getting for MY sons going to HIS debts. It's making me resentful as hell.
In reality, I keep asking myself how much more of this crap I'm going to take before I either have a mental breakdown, kill myself or kill him.
It's just bizarre because all weekend long, he was lovey dovey, sending me texts telling me he loved me, cuddly and affectionate and then today it was a shitstorm.
Because I didn't tell him I was going to pick up a couple of things after the boys got off school.
The absolute worst part of all this is that my boys get to sit and hear this crap.
I hate fighting but I hate even more that they have to listen to the fighting. And nothing I do makes him stop or calm down or rational.
I just needed to unload this, let it out of my head. I don't have anyone to talk to and if I keep stuffing this down, it's going to kill me.
Reminder to myself: I really AM better than this. I deserve better.
I'm living with Dr. Jeckyll/Mr. Hyde.
Apparently, he'd wanted to go to his pal's house tonight. I hadn't a clue, because he didn't mention it to me at all. I get home from picking up the boys and finishing up the errands I needed to run and he was fuming. Pissed is a better word.
And that sent my entire evening into a downward spiral. Because he was unhappy, everyone else was going to be as well. He doesn't ever acknowledge his own screw ups but damned if he doesn't point out everyone else's.
Not once would he admit tonight that if he wanted to do something, he should have said something. Instead, it was all my fault: I intuit things for the boys and therefore should treat him the same (a breath after he screamed at me for "treating him like one of the boys"), I'm always too busy doing things for PTO/Scouts/Tennis/The Boys that I don't EVER think of him, etc. etc. etc.
In his view, tonight, I'm a lousy wife. Why he even bothers to come home from work is a mystery to him. He has no Life and it's all my fault, because I hold him back from doing everything he wants to do, except work, work and more work. He threatened numerous times to walk, got in my face and screamed with veins popping out in his neck, spittle flying...
and yet I'm the cause of all our stress. As the evening progressed, he felt I'd screwed up by making him eat leftovers, hadn't washed the shirt he wanted to wear (even though he has about 30 tshirts to choose from and could have worn any of the others or TOLD ME that he wanted to wear this one), bothered him while he was watching the Cavs and then packed the wrong things for his lunch. I left for Scouts, came home and it was more of the same.
I'm so tired. The Smart Girl in me knows this is emotional abuse, that he can't take responsibility for his own actions and so he blames everyone around him for the results. The Smart Girl in me says this is ridiculous, that I'm married to a 2 yr old who, when he doesn't get his way, stomps his feet and throws his tantrums. The Smart Girl in me also knows that I have no job, no way to support my kids and is terrified to tell him to hit the road because she doesn't know what she'll do.
No car. No job. Those two things keep playing Ring Around The Rosie in my head because without one, I have trouble with another, and vice versa. If he leaves, he takes the van with him because it's technically in his mother's name. I'm so fucked.
Finally managed to file our taxes last week and we're getting a whopping $2000 if we're lucky, after the IRS and Child Support takes their chunks. The original return was nearly $6000.
I half-jokingly told him I need a job and we need a divorce so that I can get a real tax return.
I think he thought I was REALLY joking. I wasn't honestly joking at all. I'm tired of having money I should be getting for MY sons going to HIS debts. It's making me resentful as hell.
In reality, I keep asking myself how much more of this crap I'm going to take before I either have a mental breakdown, kill myself or kill him.
It's just bizarre because all weekend long, he was lovey dovey, sending me texts telling me he loved me, cuddly and affectionate and then today it was a shitstorm.
Because I didn't tell him I was going to pick up a couple of things after the boys got off school.
The absolute worst part of all this is that my boys get to sit and hear this crap.
I hate fighting but I hate even more that they have to listen to the fighting. And nothing I do makes him stop or calm down or rational.
I just needed to unload this, let it out of my head. I don't have anyone to talk to and if I keep stuffing this down, it's going to kill me.
Reminder to myself: I really AM better than this. I deserve better.
I'm living with Dr. Jeckyll/Mr. Hyde.
Friday, April 3, 2009
Spring Break, Day 1
I can't believe it's Spring Break already. This school year (and I know I say this every year but it's exquisitely true) is flying by so quickly. I can't seem to hold on to the days!
We all slept in this morning. I typically am up by 5:30am most mornings so staying in bed until 9am is a luxury. The boys were up around the same time, and were able to take their time eating, etc.
One of the things I love about having sons so close in age is the comradery they share most of the time. As they were getting breakfast, all three so thrilled to NOT be in school, they joked and played around, giving one another a hard time and just wallowing in their personal freedoms. As a mom, it's awesome to hear them building their relationships in such an ordinary way.
I have a very different relationship with all of my siblings. My older brother wasn't around much when I was growing up as he lived with his father. My younger brother was so MUCH younger (9 years) that it was more like having a child of my own and my little sister literally is the same age as my middle son so that's pretty self-explanatory.
I always envied those I knew who were close with their families, especially siblings.
It warms my heart to hear my sons interacting. That's not to say it's always rainbows and butterflies because that couldn't be further from the truth! We have days where they scrap like puppies, bickering over the tiniest bit of space/Lego/detail/game and I'd like nothing more than to Duct-tape their mouths and find a very large closet to put them into. However, for the most part, they get along well and we're blessed.
It's been a fairly laidback day. We went to the library, stopped on our way home at the produce market and bread store and have spent most of the day vegging. My oldest was supposed to have his first home tennis match this afternoon but it was cancelled due to the rain.
Our area has been enduring April showers alllll day and I'm sure it would have made for an interesting match. I wonder if it's possible to hydroplane in sneakers on a tennis court?
Hubby didn't make it to bed this morning after work and has been sleeping on the couch, which means we have to tiptoe through the living room to move through the house. *sigh* Aggravating.
He's in a better mood. I'm ashamed to admit that sometimes I wonder if he has a secret drug problem or something that I could blame for his mood swings but then I remind myself that there would be other signs if it were something like that. I have a feeling he needs mood stabilizers but he'd never, ever in a million years see a therapist for something like that. His family is VERY adamant that nothing like mental illness could EVER be in their perfect family. Admitting that it might would show weakness, something they'd rather die than do. Getting him into marriage counseling was hard enough, literally because I told him he'd have to move out otherwise. I don't think I could ever talk him into seeking help for just himself because then he'd have to accept that HE was the problem. *repeat sigh*
With the tennis schedule and the younger two boys' Scouting, we're not going anywhere for Spring Break but I'm okay staying home. It's going to afford me a little extra time to try to catch up on housework and decluttering, since I won't have to be running all over Hell and back playing taxi service and doing PTO things. I'm looking forward to Freecycling some of the crap that's taking up space in this house and just collecting dust! Right this second, however, I'm most looking forward to curling up with some of my new library books and enjoying our Slug Day.
Yay for Slug Days!
We all slept in this morning. I typically am up by 5:30am most mornings so staying in bed until 9am is a luxury. The boys were up around the same time, and were able to take their time eating, etc.
One of the things I love about having sons so close in age is the comradery they share most of the time. As they were getting breakfast, all three so thrilled to NOT be in school, they joked and played around, giving one another a hard time and just wallowing in their personal freedoms. As a mom, it's awesome to hear them building their relationships in such an ordinary way.
I have a very different relationship with all of my siblings. My older brother wasn't around much when I was growing up as he lived with his father. My younger brother was so MUCH younger (9 years) that it was more like having a child of my own and my little sister literally is the same age as my middle son so that's pretty self-explanatory.
I always envied those I knew who were close with their families, especially siblings.
It warms my heart to hear my sons interacting. That's not to say it's always rainbows and butterflies because that couldn't be further from the truth! We have days where they scrap like puppies, bickering over the tiniest bit of space/Lego/detail/game and I'd like nothing more than to Duct-tape their mouths and find a very large closet to put them into. However, for the most part, they get along well and we're blessed.
It's been a fairly laidback day. We went to the library, stopped on our way home at the produce market and bread store and have spent most of the day vegging. My oldest was supposed to have his first home tennis match this afternoon but it was cancelled due to the rain.
Our area has been enduring April showers alllll day and I'm sure it would have made for an interesting match. I wonder if it's possible to hydroplane in sneakers on a tennis court?
Hubby didn't make it to bed this morning after work and has been sleeping on the couch, which means we have to tiptoe through the living room to move through the house. *sigh* Aggravating.
He's in a better mood. I'm ashamed to admit that sometimes I wonder if he has a secret drug problem or something that I could blame for his mood swings but then I remind myself that there would be other signs if it were something like that. I have a feeling he needs mood stabilizers but he'd never, ever in a million years see a therapist for something like that. His family is VERY adamant that nothing like mental illness could EVER be in their perfect family. Admitting that it might would show weakness, something they'd rather die than do. Getting him into marriage counseling was hard enough, literally because I told him he'd have to move out otherwise. I don't think I could ever talk him into seeking help for just himself because then he'd have to accept that HE was the problem. *repeat sigh*
With the tennis schedule and the younger two boys' Scouting, we're not going anywhere for Spring Break but I'm okay staying home. It's going to afford me a little extra time to try to catch up on housework and decluttering, since I won't have to be running all over Hell and back playing taxi service and doing PTO things. I'm looking forward to Freecycling some of the crap that's taking up space in this house and just collecting dust! Right this second, however, I'm most looking forward to curling up with some of my new library books and enjoying our Slug Day.
Yay for Slug Days!
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
I need a break
This has been a heck of a month. I'm fried.
More family drama (briefly: younger brother choked my mother 3 times, held a knife to her bf's throat and I got a call in the middle of the night from a deputy asking if mom and sis could come stay with me until they found him). Both brothers are in the county jail, one for not paying fines, the other as a result of assaulting my mother.
Younger Brother's Baby Mama called and asked if I'd take their 2 yr old to visit her daddy in the jail as she was not dealing well with the complete lack of contact. Baby Mama couldn't take her because a) she's pregnant and due this week to give birth to his second daughter and b) she has an outstanding warrant as well.
*sigh*
So it was family reunion time at the jail. Mom visited my older brother, I toted a 2 yr old (against my better judgement!!) in to visit her daddy. Joy. Joy and happiness.
I was very uncomfortable with taking my niece into the jail because honestly, I don't think that kiddos need to know what that's like. My mother used to drag my brother and I to visit my stepfather in prison and honestly, that's an education I wish I could have avoided.
Gah.
Life at Home is...down again. Hubby is grumpy and grumbly and hypercritical. I'm so tired of trying to buffer his nasty attitude for everyone. When he went to Texas for that week to visit Michael...it was the most peace I've had in 10 years. For one glorious week, I didn't have to walk on eggshells, I didn't have to ask permission, I could breathe and not worry about what sort of mood he was going to be in when I came home. It was such a looser atmosphere here and truthfully, when he came home, it felt like I'd been living with the windows open and someone slammed them all shut on me. Stifling.
PTO is killing me. I have a treasurer who's stepping up to be president next year and is stepping on toes already, some of them mine. I'm just trying to keep my head above water, organizationally speaking, for the next two months and then I'm done. It's been rewarding but it's also been very time consuming and sometimes, very trying. People, unfortunately, can be assholes!
The boys are wonderful. They are the biggest blessings in my life.
Bran is really finding a toehold since he joined tennis. I think he feels a little more comfortable in his skin and that makes me happy for him. Trevor's therapist thinks he might be ready to take a break from therapy for a while. He says that we'll leave the option open to return as transitioning from 6th to 7th grade might be trying for Trev but overall, he's doing well. Ryan was tested for the gifted program and was selected as the only 6th grader from our school to take 9th grade Algebra as a 7th grader next year. This means he'll get a high school credit (in 7th grade) for a math course that counts towards high school graduation. I was blown away!!
They've had their fair share of ups and downs this year as well but for the most part, we've all managed to stay afloat. It's just not the easiest thing in the world to do some days.
I'm so glad Spring is here. I can't wait to get started on my garden (although the boys aren't looking forward to helping me weed it!) and I really need to be outside and away from the clutter in my house for awhile. Or maybe I just need everyone to leave me along IN the house so I can throw out the clutter!!
Maybe both... and a clone or two, too, please!
Still a work in progress, I guess. Doing my best to muddle through.
More family drama (briefly: younger brother choked my mother 3 times, held a knife to her bf's throat and I got a call in the middle of the night from a deputy asking if mom and sis could come stay with me until they found him). Both brothers are in the county jail, one for not paying fines, the other as a result of assaulting my mother.
Younger Brother's Baby Mama called and asked if I'd take their 2 yr old to visit her daddy in the jail as she was not dealing well with the complete lack of contact. Baby Mama couldn't take her because a) she's pregnant and due this week to give birth to his second daughter and b) she has an outstanding warrant as well.
*sigh*
So it was family reunion time at the jail. Mom visited my older brother, I toted a 2 yr old (against my better judgement!!) in to visit her daddy. Joy. Joy and happiness.
I was very uncomfortable with taking my niece into the jail because honestly, I don't think that kiddos need to know what that's like. My mother used to drag my brother and I to visit my stepfather in prison and honestly, that's an education I wish I could have avoided.
Gah.
Life at Home is...down again. Hubby is grumpy and grumbly and hypercritical. I'm so tired of trying to buffer his nasty attitude for everyone. When he went to Texas for that week to visit Michael...it was the most peace I've had in 10 years. For one glorious week, I didn't have to walk on eggshells, I didn't have to ask permission, I could breathe and not worry about what sort of mood he was going to be in when I came home. It was such a looser atmosphere here and truthfully, when he came home, it felt like I'd been living with the windows open and someone slammed them all shut on me. Stifling.
PTO is killing me. I have a treasurer who's stepping up to be president next year and is stepping on toes already, some of them mine. I'm just trying to keep my head above water, organizationally speaking, for the next two months and then I'm done. It's been rewarding but it's also been very time consuming and sometimes, very trying. People, unfortunately, can be assholes!
The boys are wonderful. They are the biggest blessings in my life.
Bran is really finding a toehold since he joined tennis. I think he feels a little more comfortable in his skin and that makes me happy for him. Trevor's therapist thinks he might be ready to take a break from therapy for a while. He says that we'll leave the option open to return as transitioning from 6th to 7th grade might be trying for Trev but overall, he's doing well. Ryan was tested for the gifted program and was selected as the only 6th grader from our school to take 9th grade Algebra as a 7th grader next year. This means he'll get a high school credit (in 7th grade) for a math course that counts towards high school graduation. I was blown away!!
They've had their fair share of ups and downs this year as well but for the most part, we've all managed to stay afloat. It's just not the easiest thing in the world to do some days.
I'm so glad Spring is here. I can't wait to get started on my garden (although the boys aren't looking forward to helping me weed it!) and I really need to be outside and away from the clutter in my house for awhile. Or maybe I just need everyone to leave me along IN the house so I can throw out the clutter!!
Maybe both... and a clone or two, too, please!
Still a work in progress, I guess. Doing my best to muddle through.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Family
My family is a difficult one. I have one older brother, one younger brother and a sister young enough to be my own child. Because we have a strain of mental illness in our family a million miles long, most of my family has a lot of issues. My mother and both brothers are bipolar and not one of them takes meds as they should. Instead, they self-medicate with drugs and alcohol.
In addition to that, they're all highly dysfunctional. My mother had a very troubled childhood and spent 17 years with a man who beat the crap out of her every weekend. My stepfather also had a troubled childhood and was in and out of prison many times. My little brother and I grew up listening to the fighting, watching the alcohol flow and the abuse happen. My younger brother has since had his own brushes with trouble. He'll turn 25 this year and is currently facing over a year in jail because of an FTA charge, as well as an assault charge (after having had many more previous charges).
My mother called me this morning, in a panic, because he'd been pulled over and they were taking him to jail. She wanted me to help her get his pickup so that it wasn't impounded but because they boys hadn't left for school yet, I said no. I've been telling them both since he moved back to our state that he needed to turn himself in and just get it behind him.
I've struggled most of my life because I'm the rock. I'm the one everyone leans on and there have been many, many days where I've tired of this role.
I'm learning, though, to uphold my boundaries, to not give in when they've made yet another bad choice and want me to help bail them out (sometimes literally!).
I could have asked the neighbor to put the boys on the bus. Instead, I took the opportunity to let them figure out their own options and I put my own little family first (something that, as ridiculous as it sounds, is really difficult sometimes).
Unfortunately, I couldn't choose the family I was born into but I can choose how I let them impact me and how I deal with them now. That's one of the best parts of being an adult now. I have more personal power and more choices.
I'm also trying to teach my sons by example that it's okay to stand up for yourself, to be assertive without being aggressive. I want to break this horrid cycle that's cloaked my family for so long. I guess it has to start somewhere and it might just have to be with me.
In addition to that, they're all highly dysfunctional. My mother had a very troubled childhood and spent 17 years with a man who beat the crap out of her every weekend. My stepfather also had a troubled childhood and was in and out of prison many times. My little brother and I grew up listening to the fighting, watching the alcohol flow and the abuse happen. My younger brother has since had his own brushes with trouble. He'll turn 25 this year and is currently facing over a year in jail because of an FTA charge, as well as an assault charge (after having had many more previous charges).
My mother called me this morning, in a panic, because he'd been pulled over and they were taking him to jail. She wanted me to help her get his pickup so that it wasn't impounded but because they boys hadn't left for school yet, I said no. I've been telling them both since he moved back to our state that he needed to turn himself in and just get it behind him.
I've struggled most of my life because I'm the rock. I'm the one everyone leans on and there have been many, many days where I've tired of this role.
I'm learning, though, to uphold my boundaries, to not give in when they've made yet another bad choice and want me to help bail them out (sometimes literally!).
I could have asked the neighbor to put the boys on the bus. Instead, I took the opportunity to let them figure out their own options and I put my own little family first (something that, as ridiculous as it sounds, is really difficult sometimes).
Unfortunately, I couldn't choose the family I was born into but I can choose how I let them impact me and how I deal with them now. That's one of the best parts of being an adult now. I have more personal power and more choices.
I'm also trying to teach my sons by example that it's okay to stand up for yourself, to be assertive without being aggressive. I want to break this horrid cycle that's cloaked my family for so long. I guess it has to start somewhere and it might just have to be with me.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Musings.
I woke this morning to a bit of turmoil. My middle son's hamster had gotten loose during the night and was AWOL. In the process of looking for the hamster, my youngest son moved a basket in the bathroom and discovered a baby mouse.
Because no one else in the house can seem to handle rodents, I'm the unofficial Rodent Handler Extraordinaire. I climbed out of bed, shoved my hair out of my face and stumbled into the bathroom after retrieving a large plastic cup from the kitchen.
Putting the cup in front of the mouse, I gently nudged him from behind with an empty toilet paper roll (kept for the hamster). Ta-da. No biggie, right?
I then took it outside and dumped in my neighbor's yard because I'm nice like that.
Once back inside, I instructed the younger two boys to look under their beds to see if the hamster was there.
Ta-da! She was. They managed to herd her out from under the bed, I snagger her up and tucked her into her exercise ball. Mind you, this is still fresh out of bed, having been up for a whopping 5 minutes. We then proceeded to clean out the hamster cage AND the guinea pig cage.
And then I got to wake up.
*sigh* I guess that's simply payment for my very quiet and relaxed morning yesterday.
I've been in the midst of some rather deep soulsearching lately.
My oldest son is going to turn 15 this weekend. Fifteen. I cannot believe how quickly these years have flown by. My little boy isn't little anymore.
6 days following his birthday is mine and I'll be 34. It could easily be the midway point in my life. My maternal grandmother died before she turned 70. Potentially midway through my life and where am I?
I have three wonderful sons and that I wouldn't change for the world.
I have a husband that I'm not sure I want to stay with after spending 10 years fighting for my marriage.
I have been gifted with several years of being able to care for my grandparents, a year of being able to be very active in my younger sons' school life.
I've also had several years of technical unemployment, which has left me in a very precarious position. I have no way to provide for my sons if Husband and I DO separate.
I feel like there's so much more out there. Things to experience and learn and be.
I have 6 years of raising my children left. Only 6 years and then what do I do with myself??
I feel like I'm on the cusp of something but I can't say I know what it is.
Because no one else in the house can seem to handle rodents, I'm the unofficial Rodent Handler Extraordinaire. I climbed out of bed, shoved my hair out of my face and stumbled into the bathroom after retrieving a large plastic cup from the kitchen.
Putting the cup in front of the mouse, I gently nudged him from behind with an empty toilet paper roll (kept for the hamster). Ta-da. No biggie, right?
I then took it outside and dumped in my neighbor's yard because I'm nice like that.
Once back inside, I instructed the younger two boys to look under their beds to see if the hamster was there.
Ta-da! She was. They managed to herd her out from under the bed, I snagger her up and tucked her into her exercise ball. Mind you, this is still fresh out of bed, having been up for a whopping 5 minutes. We then proceeded to clean out the hamster cage AND the guinea pig cage.
And then I got to wake up.
*sigh* I guess that's simply payment for my very quiet and relaxed morning yesterday.
I've been in the midst of some rather deep soulsearching lately.
My oldest son is going to turn 15 this weekend. Fifteen. I cannot believe how quickly these years have flown by. My little boy isn't little anymore.
6 days following his birthday is mine and I'll be 34. It could easily be the midway point in my life. My maternal grandmother died before she turned 70. Potentially midway through my life and where am I?
I have three wonderful sons and that I wouldn't change for the world.
I have a husband that I'm not sure I want to stay with after spending 10 years fighting for my marriage.
I have been gifted with several years of being able to care for my grandparents, a year of being able to be very active in my younger sons' school life.
I've also had several years of technical unemployment, which has left me in a very precarious position. I have no way to provide for my sons if Husband and I DO separate.
I feel like there's so much more out there. Things to experience and learn and be.
I have 6 years of raising my children left. Only 6 years and then what do I do with myself??
I feel like I'm on the cusp of something but I can't say I know what it is.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Wistful
I miss kissing. My husband and I don't kiss, at least nothing more than the occasional peck.
We used to. When we first met, we made out like teenagers. I have always loved kissing and it's one of my favorite versions of foreplay.
For assorted reasons, it's just not something we do anymore.
In June, we reach our 10th anniversary. Ten years of marriage and honestly, I haven't had a decent kiss in over 8 years.
So yes, I miss kissing.
More than that, I think I miss the intimacy of kissing. Or maybe I just miss intimacy, period.
There's none in this relationship. We sleep together, we have sex.
I can't remember the last time we really connected during sex. He tries to do things that feel good to me but I think it's just too late for that. Too much water under the bridge, I think.
His affairs combined with his attitudes about sex...I just can't open up to him anymore and honestly, I don't think he REALLY wants me to. He just wants to make sure he appears to.
Being in a marriage and being so lonely sucks. I have days where I fantasize about intimacy and being close to someone. Not sex, mind you, but cuddling, holding hands, kissing...
I'm lonely. I miss feeling close to someone, someone who cares about ME, cherishes ME.
I don't feel that way with him.
Some of it is a basic disconnection of emotion after his affair. Some of it is a result of the things he's wanted me to do sexually to fulfill his wants and needs. There has been such degradation and a definite lack of care for my feelings...
and it's ruined what we had.
I don't feel like there's respect going both ways in this marriage. For so long, he completely disregarded my feelings, wants and needs but I'm supposed to believe that's all changed now and I don't think I can. We went through marriage counseling for over a year and he's no different now than he was then, so how CAN I believe it's changed?
It makes me sad.
We used to. When we first met, we made out like teenagers. I have always loved kissing and it's one of my favorite versions of foreplay.
For assorted reasons, it's just not something we do anymore.
In June, we reach our 10th anniversary. Ten years of marriage and honestly, I haven't had a decent kiss in over 8 years.
So yes, I miss kissing.
More than that, I think I miss the intimacy of kissing. Or maybe I just miss intimacy, period.
There's none in this relationship. We sleep together, we have sex.
I can't remember the last time we really connected during sex. He tries to do things that feel good to me but I think it's just too late for that. Too much water under the bridge, I think.
His affairs combined with his attitudes about sex...I just can't open up to him anymore and honestly, I don't think he REALLY wants me to. He just wants to make sure he appears to.
Being in a marriage and being so lonely sucks. I have days where I fantasize about intimacy and being close to someone. Not sex, mind you, but cuddling, holding hands, kissing...
I'm lonely. I miss feeling close to someone, someone who cares about ME, cherishes ME.
I don't feel that way with him.
Some of it is a basic disconnection of emotion after his affair. Some of it is a result of the things he's wanted me to do sexually to fulfill his wants and needs. There has been such degradation and a definite lack of care for my feelings...
and it's ruined what we had.
I don't feel like there's respect going both ways in this marriage. For so long, he completely disregarded my feelings, wants and needs but I'm supposed to believe that's all changed now and I don't think I can. We went through marriage counseling for over a year and he's no different now than he was then, so how CAN I believe it's changed?
It makes me sad.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Interesting.
I came back to this little spot on the web because a very good friend of mine has "joined the blogosphere", to use her words!
I just finished re-reading my two tiny little previous posts. It's funny, because in a lot of ways, in the last 6 months or so, I've succeeded in realizing many of the goals I put in front of myself.
I've become more social, created new relationships and broadened my horizons. I've stretched myself in ways that have hurt, but in good ways. I've come out of my shell and found some comfort in doing so.
Hubby has adjusted. He's actually surprised me, because he's encouraged some of these areas of growth. Some, not so much but I guess that's to be expected! It's made him pretty uncomfortable at times, this changing of his "norm". We've had lots of ups and downs with it but we seem to be (today, this hour, this minute, this second) at a happy medium.
(I type this and I know I'm jinxing myself!)
I've settled into the PTO presidency with minor aches and pains. I'm learning, daily, that you can't keep everyone happy all the time and I just try to do my best to keep things even keeled.
I feel more confident and that's a very positive upward movement.
The boys are doing wonderfully. Tomorrow is the first day back from Christmas break and it's been an interesting two weeks. I'm sure getting back in the swing of things is going to be an adjustment for them! Heck, it'll be an adjustment for me.
Hubby is going to have to get used to me being gone more, again. THAT should prove interesting!
All in all, I think I'm moving in the right direction. I had a discussion just before school let out for break with one of the secretaries at school and was reminded, again, why I'm trying to spread my wings and rediscover ME. She is in a similar situation and as her child graduated last year, she's had a really hard time remember who SHE is, not just as Mom and Wife.
She said she's had a rough road so far and recommended, strenuously, that I do the work now so it's not such a shock when my day comes, as her's did.
Sound advice, I think.
I'm determined to continue, better than before, my notekeeping of my journey back to Me.
Happy 2009, self. Let's make this a good one.
I just finished re-reading my two tiny little previous posts. It's funny, because in a lot of ways, in the last 6 months or so, I've succeeded in realizing many of the goals I put in front of myself.
I've become more social, created new relationships and broadened my horizons. I've stretched myself in ways that have hurt, but in good ways. I've come out of my shell and found some comfort in doing so.
Hubby has adjusted. He's actually surprised me, because he's encouraged some of these areas of growth. Some, not so much but I guess that's to be expected! It's made him pretty uncomfortable at times, this changing of his "norm". We've had lots of ups and downs with it but we seem to be (today, this hour, this minute, this second) at a happy medium.
(I type this and I know I'm jinxing myself!)
I've settled into the PTO presidency with minor aches and pains. I'm learning, daily, that you can't keep everyone happy all the time and I just try to do my best to keep things even keeled.
I feel more confident and that's a very positive upward movement.
The boys are doing wonderfully. Tomorrow is the first day back from Christmas break and it's been an interesting two weeks. I'm sure getting back in the swing of things is going to be an adjustment for them! Heck, it'll be an adjustment for me.
Hubby is going to have to get used to me being gone more, again. THAT should prove interesting!
All in all, I think I'm moving in the right direction. I had a discussion just before school let out for break with one of the secretaries at school and was reminded, again, why I'm trying to spread my wings and rediscover ME. She is in a similar situation and as her child graduated last year, she's had a really hard time remember who SHE is, not just as Mom and Wife.
She said she's had a rough road so far and recommended, strenuously, that I do the work now so it's not such a shock when my day comes, as her's did.
Sound advice, I think.
I'm determined to continue, better than before, my notekeeping of my journey back to Me.
Happy 2009, self. Let's make this a good one.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)