As expected, the other shoe did, indeed, drop.
We had an argument every day for over a week straight. He called off work three days in a row. Day #1 I didn't even know about until he showed up nearly 45 minutes after he left. He came in, showed me where he'd rigged the blinds in the bedroom so he could see in from the outside, and explained that he thought I was cheating on him so was going to park at the church up the street and come spy on me, to try and catch me.
*sigh* I've never cheated on him, not once. Not even close. This blew me away.
Day #2 he went but ended up coming home 2 hrs later because he got in a screaming match with his supervisor about a senority issue.
Day #3 he went to the ER for a stye (A STYE!!!) and asked the ER doc to write him off.
He got his ass (and put our family in a whole lot of jeopardy) in a tight spot, to the degree that we weren't sure if he was going to lose his job or not.
At this point, it sounds like he's going to end up with a total of 4 pts (earning 2 in addition to the 2 he already had). This puts him in the hotseat if there's any talk of layoff again. He was already there due to where he falls in the senority ladder but this makes it worse because of his work ethic. He's had quality issues lately too. I literally don't know what he was thinking. I don't know how he could do this. His job is the main money coming in to our home. I take care of the rent and have a little extra coming in with my cleaning jobs and child support but his takes care of the brunt of the bills. How could he put that in danger???
I don't know that I'll ever understand. I don't know him anymore.
I went to the doc on Friday and she's prescribed antidepressants. I don't really want to take them but have to be honest and say that I do know I have some depression kicking. I try really hard not to get mired down in it but there's only so much I can do.
So I start Effexor tomorrow. I've done some reading about it on the 'Net and feel fairly confident that I know what I'm dealing with. Keeping my fingers crossed that this helps me head into a better space.
I've been putting apps in, at least as many as I can in this dying little town. I've spent quite a bit of time lately, seriously considering moving but I worry about uprooting the boys from the school system they've spent their entire lives at. I worry about taking them away from their friends. I worry about the stability they're going to need, when other things in their lives are tossed into turmoil. I'm going to try to stick it out as much as possible but I can't guarantee that it will stay possible.
I cleaned out all personal items from the van because he'll take that with him and honestly, I can't say that the next time we have a big old bad fight and he threatens to leave, that I won't tell him to just go ahead. I'm that tired of the fighting and the issues.
He woke up the other morning and is acting all happy again. I believe, now more than ever, that he's either on drugs or bipolar or both. There's no other explanation for his behavior. You don't go for a week straight being hyper critical and picking fights with all of us, yelling at every little thing until you have your wife literally throwing-up-upset and then turn up one morning all rainbows and sunshine without having one or both of those situations kicking. I just can't believe otherwise.
I recognize the instability there, can see how he manipulates and uses emotional terrorism here. I recognize the emotional and mental abuse, the verbal abuse, the controlling behaviors.
I see them for what they are and I know that I don't want to live the rest of my life this way. I'm nearing 35 and I deserve some peace.
The turning point? The week he was gone to Texas visiting his son. It was so peaceful, so nice not to walk on eggshells and that's what I want but will never have with him.
Enough. Is. Enough.
Now it's just a matter of maintaining, finding a job, getting a car in the works (or a job within walking distance) and reclaiming my life. It might take a bit but that's my plan.
Step One: recognition and game plan.
Monday, July 20, 2009
Monday, July 6, 2009
Life
I know, rationally, that Life has ups and downs, that nothing ever truly stays static and my Life is no different.
Things have been coasting along. Internally, I'm like a see-saw. Hubby has been rather easy to get along with lately and that's nice but also sets me a little on edge because past experience has taught me that when he's this easygoing, there's something else going on somewhere. I suppose I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, that I should just enjoy this semi-peace for what it is but I'm a worrier by nature. That's not to say that I'm not enjoying the lesser levels of aggravation, heartache and stress!! I just worry and wonder when the other shoe is going to drop.
This Summer is flying by and I still don't feel like I've got a grip on it yet. I don't feel like we've truly settled into any sort of rhythm and I'm afraid that it's going to fly by so swiftly, we'll lose it before we actually have it. I always have so much I want to do during the time the boys are home and the older they get, the less I seem to actually accomplish!
Overall, it's been nice to have the extra time with them, though. I'm struck, nearly daily, by the growth in them---physically AND mentally. Brandon is such a young man now, I have difficulty calling him a child because he's really not anymore. Fifteen and I'm seeing more and more the man he's becoming. It's thrilling and scary and heartwrenching.
Trevor is maturing too, although he still has his "boy" side. It's very telling, however, that he gives Ry a hard time about girls. He's past the "turn head at kissing scenes in movies" stage, which is rather shocking to me because WHEN did THAT happen?? Ryan still covers his eyes but I know the time isn't so far away for that to pass as well.
I watch my boys and it warms my heart to no end that they're as close as they are. Granted, there's typical "brother" behaviors but overall, they're very close and I'm glad for that. They actually act like siblings, which is very far from the way my siblings and I interact. My sister and younger brother are more like my kids and my older brother never, ever acted like an older brother to me. I love how protective Bran is of his brothers.
Trevor, for some reason, has a vague sort of competition going with Ryan and I need to keep an eye on that. I don't know if it's because they're so close in age (1year, 2 mos) or if it's something else but he needs to stop pushing Ry's buttons or he's going to push him away. I know that they need to define their own relationships with one another but as their mom, I can't stomach the idea that when I'm dead and gone, they won't be there for one another. Just doesn't set well with me. And yes, I know I've (hopefully) got time left but you never know! Things happen.
Floating seems to be the theme for the summer. I feel like I'm floating through Life right now, sort of directionless and I don't know that that makes me very happy.
I feel like I need a direction but I keep waiting for the direction to present itself and it's just not happening. Is this what Life is? A series of waves that knock you around a bit, depending on the direction of the wind or the pull of gravity?
There are lots of positive "waves". The garden I put in is flourishing like mad. It's my first REAL garden, more than just a tomato plant or two. I'm anxious to see how it produces. I'd like to do some canning and if there's extra, sell it at the farmer's market here in town.
My nieces are darling and I've loved having time with them. They feel very much like my grandchildren, probably because Bobby has always felt like my 1st child. Whatever the case, they're adorable and have firmly situated themselves inside my heart.
My mother and I have had a few spitspats about them, because she feels each time I visit with them, she needs to come see them. This bothers me because a) she has just as much opportunity to call their mother up and ask for a visit and I don't understand why she's so lazy that she DOESN'T!, b) she gives me a huge guilt trip if I don't tell her when I've got them, and c) not once while she's here to see the girls does she even interact with my boys.
Logically, I know that she doesn't want the responsibility of caring for them and would rather spend half an hour pretending to be a grandmother to them here but that's fake to me and I've had enough of fake in my life. And the part about ignoring the boys infuriates me.
We've lived in the same town for nearly 12 years now and I can count on both hands the number of times she's come to my house. She's been here more in the last two months to see the girls than she has the entire time we've been here, to see the boys.
I know that comes across as rather jealous but it's not about jealousy. It breaks my heart for my sons that this person who's supposed to be their grandmother is so uninvolved with them. They're old enough now that they're very aware of the inconsistencies there and it hurts them too, even if they never say a word to her about it. It's renewed my vow to be a completely different type of grandparent than she is, to follow more in the steps of my paternal grandmother.
It's a relief in a lot of ways to be done with PTO. I enjoyed it but not having the stress of it is definitely a blessing! My cell phone bill is much more easily managed as well :)
I guess the best way to describe things right now is that I feel like we're floating in Limbo and I'm waiting for the boat to spring a leak.
My glass is half full but has a hairline crack :P
Things have been coasting along. Internally, I'm like a see-saw. Hubby has been rather easy to get along with lately and that's nice but also sets me a little on edge because past experience has taught me that when he's this easygoing, there's something else going on somewhere. I suppose I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, that I should just enjoy this semi-peace for what it is but I'm a worrier by nature. That's not to say that I'm not enjoying the lesser levels of aggravation, heartache and stress!! I just worry and wonder when the other shoe is going to drop.
This Summer is flying by and I still don't feel like I've got a grip on it yet. I don't feel like we've truly settled into any sort of rhythm and I'm afraid that it's going to fly by so swiftly, we'll lose it before we actually have it. I always have so much I want to do during the time the boys are home and the older they get, the less I seem to actually accomplish!
Overall, it's been nice to have the extra time with them, though. I'm struck, nearly daily, by the growth in them---physically AND mentally. Brandon is such a young man now, I have difficulty calling him a child because he's really not anymore. Fifteen and I'm seeing more and more the man he's becoming. It's thrilling and scary and heartwrenching.
Trevor is maturing too, although he still has his "boy" side. It's very telling, however, that he gives Ry a hard time about girls. He's past the "turn head at kissing scenes in movies" stage, which is rather shocking to me because WHEN did THAT happen?? Ryan still covers his eyes but I know the time isn't so far away for that to pass as well.
I watch my boys and it warms my heart to no end that they're as close as they are. Granted, there's typical "brother" behaviors but overall, they're very close and I'm glad for that. They actually act like siblings, which is very far from the way my siblings and I interact. My sister and younger brother are more like my kids and my older brother never, ever acted like an older brother to me. I love how protective Bran is of his brothers.
Trevor, for some reason, has a vague sort of competition going with Ryan and I need to keep an eye on that. I don't know if it's because they're so close in age (1year, 2 mos) or if it's something else but he needs to stop pushing Ry's buttons or he's going to push him away. I know that they need to define their own relationships with one another but as their mom, I can't stomach the idea that when I'm dead and gone, they won't be there for one another. Just doesn't set well with me. And yes, I know I've (hopefully) got time left but you never know! Things happen.
Floating seems to be the theme for the summer. I feel like I'm floating through Life right now, sort of directionless and I don't know that that makes me very happy.
I feel like I need a direction but I keep waiting for the direction to present itself and it's just not happening. Is this what Life is? A series of waves that knock you around a bit, depending on the direction of the wind or the pull of gravity?
There are lots of positive "waves". The garden I put in is flourishing like mad. It's my first REAL garden, more than just a tomato plant or two. I'm anxious to see how it produces. I'd like to do some canning and if there's extra, sell it at the farmer's market here in town.
My nieces are darling and I've loved having time with them. They feel very much like my grandchildren, probably because Bobby has always felt like my 1st child. Whatever the case, they're adorable and have firmly situated themselves inside my heart.
My mother and I have had a few spitspats about them, because she feels each time I visit with them, she needs to come see them. This bothers me because a) she has just as much opportunity to call their mother up and ask for a visit and I don't understand why she's so lazy that she DOESN'T!, b) she gives me a huge guilt trip if I don't tell her when I've got them, and c) not once while she's here to see the girls does she even interact with my boys.
Logically, I know that she doesn't want the responsibility of caring for them and would rather spend half an hour pretending to be a grandmother to them here but that's fake to me and I've had enough of fake in my life. And the part about ignoring the boys infuriates me.
We've lived in the same town for nearly 12 years now and I can count on both hands the number of times she's come to my house. She's been here more in the last two months to see the girls than she has the entire time we've been here, to see the boys.
I know that comes across as rather jealous but it's not about jealousy. It breaks my heart for my sons that this person who's supposed to be their grandmother is so uninvolved with them. They're old enough now that they're very aware of the inconsistencies there and it hurts them too, even if they never say a word to her about it. It's renewed my vow to be a completely different type of grandparent than she is, to follow more in the steps of my paternal grandmother.
It's a relief in a lot of ways to be done with PTO. I enjoyed it but not having the stress of it is definitely a blessing! My cell phone bill is much more easily managed as well :)
I guess the best way to describe things right now is that I feel like we're floating in Limbo and I'm waiting for the boat to spring a leak.
My glass is half full but has a hairline crack :P
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