Family

My family is a difficult one. I have one older brother, one younger brother and a sister young enough to be my own child. Because we have a strain of mental illness in our family a million miles long, most of my family has a lot of issues. My mother and both brothers are bipolar and not one of them takes meds as they should. Instead, they self-medicate with drugs and alcohol.
In addition to that, they're all highly dysfunctional. My mother had a very troubled childhood and spent 17 years with a man who beat the crap out of her every weekend. My stepfather also had a troubled childhood and was in and out of prison many times. My little brother and I grew up listening to the fighting, watching the alcohol flow and the abuse happen. My younger brother has since had his own brushes with trouble. He'll turn 25 this year and is currently facing over a year in jail because of an FTA charge, as well as an assault charge (after having had many more previous charges).
My mother called me this morning, in a panic, because he'd been pulled over and they were taking him to jail. She wanted me to help her get his pickup so that it wasn't impounded but because they boys hadn't left for school yet, I said no. I've been telling them both since he moved back to our state that he needed to turn himself in and just get it behind him.
I've struggled most of my life because I'm the rock. I'm the one everyone leans on and there have been many, many days where I've tired of this role.
I'm learning, though, to uphold my boundaries, to not give in when they've made yet another bad choice and want me to help bail them out (sometimes literally!).
I could have asked the neighbor to put the boys on the bus. Instead, I took the opportunity to let them figure out their own options and I put my own little family first (something that, as ridiculous as it sounds, is really difficult sometimes).
Unfortunately, I couldn't choose the family I was born into but I can choose how I let them impact me and how I deal with them now. That's one of the best parts of being an adult now. I have more personal power and more choices.
I'm also trying to teach my sons by example that it's okay to stand up for yourself, to be assertive without being aggressive. I want to break this horrid cycle that's cloaked my family for so long. I guess it has to start somewhere and it might just have to be with me.

Musings.

I woke this morning to a bit of turmoil. My middle son's hamster had gotten loose during the night and was AWOL. In the process of looking for the hamster, my youngest son moved a basket in the bathroom and discovered a baby mouse.
Because no one else in the house can seem to handle rodents, I'm the unofficial Rodent Handler Extraordinaire. I climbed out of bed, shoved my hair out of my face and stumbled into the bathroom after retrieving a large plastic cup from the kitchen.
Putting the cup in front of the mouse, I gently nudged him from behind with an empty toilet paper roll (kept for the hamster). Ta-da. No biggie, right?
I then took it outside and dumped in my neighbor's yard because I'm nice like that.
Once back inside, I instructed the younger two boys to look under their beds to see if the hamster was there.
Ta-da! She was. They managed to herd her out from under the bed, I snagger her up and tucked her into her exercise ball. Mind you, this is still fresh out of bed, having been up for a whopping 5 minutes. We then proceeded to clean out the hamster cage AND the guinea pig cage.
And then I got to wake up.
*sigh* I guess that's simply payment for my very quiet and relaxed morning yesterday.
I've been in the midst of some rather deep soulsearching lately.
My oldest son is going to turn 15 this weekend. Fifteen. I cannot believe how quickly these years have flown by. My little boy isn't little anymore.
6 days following his birthday is mine and I'll be 34. It could easily be the midway point in my life. My maternal grandmother died before she turned 70. Potentially midway through my life and where am I?
I have three wonderful sons and that I wouldn't change for the world.
I have a husband that I'm not sure I want to stay with after spending 10 years fighting for my marriage.
I have been gifted with several years of being able to care for my grandparents, a year of being able to be very active in my younger sons' school life.
I've also had several years of technical unemployment, which has left me in a very precarious position. I have no way to provide for my sons if Husband and I DO separate.
I feel like there's so much more out there. Things to experience and learn and be.
I have 6 years of raising my children left. Only 6 years and then what do I do with myself??
I feel like I'm on the cusp of something but I can't say I know what it is.