So much time has passed since my last entry. I read back through the previous entries, shaking my head at the turmoil in my life but so very glad I documented what I did, even if just as a reminder of what NOT to do in my future and how not to feel.
Now, a clean slate, a fresh start, a do-over of sorts.
Divorced now for a few years, safely removed from that tangled, tumultuous time and breathing on the other side of it.
We moved to Nebraska for a job opportunity and have been Huskers for nearly 2 yrs now. It's been an adjustment but a positive one, for the most part. The boys settled in well. The younger two graduated while we've been here, Ryan enrolled now in culinary school. All three employed and contributing to their lives gainfully. Ups and downs but stable in ways we haven't been for a long time.
Bran seems to have settled into a rhythm he likes, pretty much the same old same old for him, never quite reaching beyond his comfort zone. I worry about that a little but I'm hoping with some gentle persuasion and encouragement, that might change.
Trev took a third shift position and has managed to make it work. He actually has a social life now, which has brought me to tears on more than one occasion. Any parent with a child on the Autistic Spectrum knows how tremendous that milestone is, even when they don't reach it until they're 19.
Ryan and I have been butting heads a bit over his gf and the situation but I'm hopeful that we can work through things before we permanently damage our relationship. I don't want to lose my son and am learning the fine art of compromise with an 18 yr old overcome with hormones and first love. It's been an experience to be sure and I'm not so sure the learning curve isn't getting the best of me but I try and that has to count for something.
On a personal level, I'm fresh out of a relationship I've been working on for nearly the time we've been in Nebraska. Complicated and full of it's own drama, ultimately it's best that it ended but I'm still a little ....war torn over it all. How it ended, trying to mold it into some kind of friendship, how to transition from MORE to LESS, how to just...deal. Heartbreak is never easy, even at the old age of 40 and I'm trying to heal but it's a daily process. Some days I don't want to wake up, some days I want to choke my former partner and some days I just want to forget it all and lock the door against any further heartache.
I guess this too is a learning curve.
Clean slate, fresh start, rebirth of myself.
Day one.
Now, a clean slate, a fresh start, a do-over of sorts.
Divorced now for a few years, safely removed from that tangled, tumultuous time and breathing on the other side of it.
We moved to Nebraska for a job opportunity and have been Huskers for nearly 2 yrs now. It's been an adjustment but a positive one, for the most part. The boys settled in well. The younger two graduated while we've been here, Ryan enrolled now in culinary school. All three employed and contributing to their lives gainfully. Ups and downs but stable in ways we haven't been for a long time.
Bran seems to have settled into a rhythm he likes, pretty much the same old same old for him, never quite reaching beyond his comfort zone. I worry about that a little but I'm hoping with some gentle persuasion and encouragement, that might change.
Trev took a third shift position and has managed to make it work. He actually has a social life now, which has brought me to tears on more than one occasion. Any parent with a child on the Autistic Spectrum knows how tremendous that milestone is, even when they don't reach it until they're 19.
Ryan and I have been butting heads a bit over his gf and the situation but I'm hopeful that we can work through things before we permanently damage our relationship. I don't want to lose my son and am learning the fine art of compromise with an 18 yr old overcome with hormones and first love. It's been an experience to be sure and I'm not so sure the learning curve isn't getting the best of me but I try and that has to count for something.
On a personal level, I'm fresh out of a relationship I've been working on for nearly the time we've been in Nebraska. Complicated and full of it's own drama, ultimately it's best that it ended but I'm still a little ....war torn over it all. How it ended, trying to mold it into some kind of friendship, how to transition from MORE to LESS, how to just...deal. Heartbreak is never easy, even at the old age of 40 and I'm trying to heal but it's a daily process. Some days I don't want to wake up, some days I want to choke my former partner and some days I just want to forget it all and lock the door against any further heartache.
I guess this too is a learning curve.
Clean slate, fresh start, rebirth of myself.
Day one.