Crappy day

For a day that started out on the quiet side, it's flown in a downhill direction.
My EvilAunt was a witch today, completely critical and honestly, I'm just sick
of being taken for granted. I do the things there that no one else wants to deal with
and it's never enough. From someone who barely visits once a month, I
don't think I need to listen to the b.s.
On top of that, my baby brother was sentenced yesterday and it made the paper
in a nice, big article. He's been sitting in the county lockup waiting for sentencing
and took a plea deal. He was sentenced to 11 months in prison, with the max possibility
of 12 months so he almost got the whole deal. The judge is giving him credit for time served,
but I'm not sure if that's time served from the date the plea deal was accepted or if that's
the whole time he was in county jail. We haven't a clue which prison he's being sent to and
no one seems to be willing to share that info.
My mother and I had a screaming match tonight because she feels that I'm not on my
brother's side, that I'm taking his ex-gf's side and really, the only side I'm on is my nieces'.
It totally pissed me off because I've literally spent my entire life in a position in my family
where I'm the peacekeeper, the mediator, the one who strives to keep us on an even keel
when everyone else is having tantrums. And for my mother to accuse me of being "the enemy"...
I went off the deep end. We got off the phone and I went to Hubby to vent, in tears. I needed
him to listen, I needed him to just BE there...and we ended up in an argument too because
he feels I shouldn't let this all impact me so deeply. What he doesn't understand is that mixed
into all of this other mess is the image in my head of my baby brother walking into prison, not as the strapping 26 yr old that he is, but as the small kindergartener he remains in my head. This baby brother that I practically raised, this little boy that I helped potty train, this ornery blond kiddo is walking into prison and I know that the tender parts of him, the really, truly good parts of him are going to be broken up and hidden away and I don't know if we'll ever see them again.
So I cried and vented and then shut up because apparently I'm not allowed to have feelings.
And then I started the shower and crawled under the spray and cried where no one could tell me I couldn't.
I know, in my heart, that he needs to face the music on the bad choices he's made. I believe that with all of my heart. I just mourn what could have been and what may not be because of those choices. He needs to stop doing what he's doing and maybe this will do it...maybe.
I can't talk to my mom right now, maybe not for awhile. I'm so angry. And hurt. She's coming from a place that's so twisted and unhealthy and while I understand it, I can't even come close to agreeing with her. Love your son? Yes. Bury your head in the sand and blame everyone else for his issues? No.
Tough day. Please let today be better.

My brother part 2

My brother tried to kill himself again this week. He had made mention to my mother while on the phone that he was going to be "taking a ride" soon. My mother had called the jail to let them know, to give them a heads' up to continue watching him because she felt he was going to try to kill himself again. Instead of taking his meds like he's supposed to, he stored them up and overdosed. They had to LifeFlight him to Cleveland and his heart stopped for two minutes. They weren't sure he was going to come back. He continues to wear a heart monitor, to try and gauge the damage that's been done to his heart. They just brought him back to the jail yesterday.
No member of his family was notified. Not one of us and that pisses me off to no end. It pisses me off, too, that he wasn't watched better, especially after he'd slit his wrists while in jail once already and nearly died. Especially since my mother had called and WARNED them!!!
I'm angry, for so many reasons. I'm hurt, for just as many reasons. I'm so sad.
I wish I could smack him upside the head and knock some sense into him. I wish he was my little brother again, knee high and blonde and ornery but still able to be protected from himself.
My mother continues to blame his ex. I don't. It's not her fault. She's not cutting his wrists or shoving meds down his throat. It's not fair of him to try to manipulate her this way (her father killed himself just a few years ago) nor is it fair to his daughters that he's doing this. And it's not fair to his family. We love him and he's slicing us to pieces, with worry and pain and fear and anger and shame and all the other myriad emotions that go with a situation like this.
I feel so powerless to help him.

Long days

Four months since my last post. Four longggg months. How did I lose track so quickly? Sheesh!
This past month has been hellacious, not only in my life but also in the lives of those I care about. My oldest friend ever is having some heartwrenching hills on this roller coaster of Life and I feel powerless that I can't help in some way. I hope she knows that my heart is with her and that I'm sending her strength in waves.
My younger brother is making some incredibly bad choices right now and it's both breaking my heart and scaring the living crap out of me. A week and a half ago, his gf was in the process of breaking up with him so he decided it would be smart to tell her he had a gun, then hold her and their oldest daughter essentially hostage in her car. He finally directed her to get gas and after taking her keys and cell phone from her, got out to pump it. She then used her spare key to speed away, door hanging open. She raced to the Sheriff's office, snatched their daughter out of the car and ran inside.
He was arrested for domestic violence and put into jail, where he proceeded to slit his wrists the next day. He used a razor that they give the inmates to shave with and then lay bleeding out a couple of pints of blood until he was finally found. They sent him to the ER, then transferred him over to a psych unit in Massillon until this last Friday. He's back in county lockup, waiting to see if they're going to charge him with felony domestic violence (as this is his 3rd d.v. charge), among other charges. The life choices he's making are self destructive, as well as dangerous to everyone around him. He was completely sober when he did these things and he did them in front of his daughter, which is the absolute worst. This little girl is only 3!!!!!
My mother and I have been having stupid arguments over this. She feels that I'm siding against my brother but in reality, I'm siding with his daughters. I love my brother and he needs to get healthy and be around for them, needs to be the best dad he can be because that's what THEY deserve. It's not just about him anymore.
Saturday was spent in the ER because I was vomiting for 10 hrs straight, every hour on the hour, a la The Exorcist. They did a CT scan and discovered I have gallstones and a distended gallbladder. Feb. 8th I see a surgeon to schedule a date to have it taken out. Oh. JOY.
I so don't have time for this!
Hubby is on vacation this week and has been very nice to me. In fact, the last while has been going very smoothly. It's been nice. I see effort on his behalf and it's nice not to be the only one trying.
My sons are doing well, for the most part. Bran took his permit test today and passed. I had to stop and re-read that again. How is it possible? Where has time gone?? It's very bittersweet. He's doing everything he's supposed to be doing, growing up in leaps and bounds. I'm very proud of him and yet he's still my baby. He's still my earnest little boy...just taller than me now, and shaving...and soon, driving. *sigh*
Good thing I'm good at handling rollercoasters, right?
Humorous tidbit, just to remind myself in later years: my 80 something grandfather is going on a date this weekend with a woman who went to school with my 50 something father and sees NOTHING wrong with this picture...oh, my.