Lessons

This has been such a tumultuous week. Between having an idiotic McDonald's semi driver back into the side of the van and then verbally assault me, Ry's trip to the ER, doctor appts for the other two, conferences for Bran, chaperoning a field trip tomorrow and trying to wrangle with insurance agents on top of Life In General...I've been exhausted since Monday.
I learned some things about myself on Monday. I've been through a lot of counseling and therapy in my life. I thought I'd managed to deal with my childhood and all the mishmash of crap that resulted from that. And for the most part, I still think that.
This guy on Monday, though...it wasn't pretty. He backed into my van and his immediate reaction was aggression. He got inches from my face and was calling me a moron, a fat bitch, an idiot. You name it, he said it. That part didn't scare me all that much, pissed me off more than anything. I lost my temper. I yelled back. He kept following me around though, and I started to feel cornered. Ridiculous, because we were standing in the drive thru lane at McDonald's but that's how I felt. He kept getting in my face and his aggression grew, to the point that he ended up arrested because he wouldn't even back down for the police.
My reaction blew me away. I'm a pretty controlled person, sometimes OVERLY so.
Beyond the physical reaction (shaking, heart pounding, adrenaline pumping, etc) I also reacted mentally. The only way to describe it is that I felt just like I used to in the midst of my parents fighting. It was a combination of trying to figure out how to settle the situation and find a place to hide. I felt like a little girl again, made even worse because my son was there. How could I protect him I if I couldn't even protect myself??
I'm ashamed of my lack of control of my temper and mouth, I'm ashamed to say that I peed a little in my pants when this man was looming over me and threatening to kick my ass. I'm ashamed that I haven't really put it all as far behind me as I thought I did.
I guess it could have been worse. I could have been hauled off to the clink too for whacking him one, because at one point in the midst of the whole mess, I was pissed off enough that I might have.
Just a lesson that maybe I'm not as far removed from it all as I thought.
Another lesson: I will never forgive or forget Hubby's betrayals. I've tried. Really, really tried. I stayed in therapy for a year and a half after he quit, trying to muddle through it.
Maybe it's a weakness on my part but it has never really gone out of my head. It was mostly out of my head and then she called. It was mostly out of my head and then she tried to add him on Yahoo messenger. There hasn't been anything else from her in the last few months but I can't seem to stop waiting for it. I don't know if this is a failing on my behalf or a character flaw on his...maybe both? Stupid things make me doubt: the fact that he felt the need to wash his hands and penis before coming to bed this morning, the fact that he occasionally drives further than the 5.1 miles it takes for him to drive from home to work and back again (and how sad is it that I know exactly that distance??) and denies having gone anywhere but work and home...he's not helping things, either.
In other news...there isn't a lot else. I miss my nieces, talked to their mom this morning and I think I'm going to have them over next week. They are such a bright spot in my life.
And as much as the boys sometimes drive me batty, they are too. Bran is starting back on his Concerta on Monday, a necessity as by the third week of school F's started popping up. He's capable of SO much better and I'd rather see him on meds and reaching his potential than off meds and struggling. So back we go. Trev is okay in terms of grades but his attitude and I are not friends right now. He's become so mouthy and just...a teenager in every nightmare-ish version of the word. He's still a sweetheart, just trying to see where his boundaries are in ways Bran never really has.
Ryan is fabulous. His grades are stellar, attitude is great, just a happy go lucky kiddo right now. I swear they pull straws each year to see who's going to be my trying one.
Bah. Bedtime. I've managed to drain the brain for the night, I think.