After a couple of days of relative peace, today has been a little more stressful. Between work and boys, I really would like nothing more than to head home, take off my work layers and chill but that's not going to happen. Tonight is laundry night and due to a lack of a dryer, we have to go to the laundromat. Joy and happiness. Hopefully it won't be heavily populated with people who pay no attention to their children at all or I might be tempted to hurt someone.
My head hurts and I'm tired of dealing with idiots. My attitude is pretty cruddy at the moment and I'm trying to change that. Hoping music therapy on the way home will help.
I'm trying hard not to let the rest of my evening go to crap because of all of this.
Perspective some days is easier than other days.
I don't understand how people can go thru their lives completely disregarding their impact on others. I don't understand how they can feel vindicated in treating people like crap. I don't understand how an ego can grow to proportions that someone literally feels like they can do no wrong. And I don't understand how someone can be so narcissistic and such the victim that they NEVER take responsibility for anything, ever and make everything someone else's fault. I don't get it.
I keep reminding myself of my current mantra, " Not my circus, not my monkeys" but again, that's easier some days than others.
I'm tired. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of feeling like I'm such a screw up. I'm tired of feeling like no matter what I do, it's never right. I'm tired of feeling like I could disappear tomorrow and other than a blip on the boys' radar, it wouldn't matter. I don't exist. I'm lonely and beat up and broken and I'm TIRED of being this way. I'm tired of feeling like I'm the only contributor to a relationship that had more than it's fair share of flaws. I'm tired of being told to admit to things I didn't do, because someone else can't quiet their demons. I'm tired of fighting with boys who are chronologically men but emotionally still boys. I'm tired of being treated like I have no wisdom or experience, after 40 years on this Earth.
I'm tired. I'm too old for this crap. I'm past the point in my life where I want peace and happiness and I guess at this point....it's going to be alone. Not how I planned it or wanted it but the alternative has no appeal to me. Crazy Cat Lady it is...or some semblance of it. I don't have faith that I won't keep finding people who carve my heart to bits or that I won't keep choosing relationships that end up in a toxic sludge. I'm trying so hard to take the high road, to keep things amicable, like I did with Dean but I guess I'm tired of being the only one to do so. I'm tired of being the adult. I'm tired of fighting the good fight with my sons, only to have it slammed back in my face that I care TOO MUCH. Is there such a thing? Caring too much? Wanting the best for them and wanting them to NOT repeat the life altering choices or mistakes I made at their ages? Is it a cardinal sin to not want my efforts of the last 20 years tossed out the window like it's nothing? I have literally spent my entire adult life taking care of them, sacrificing for them, giving up MY wants and needs to make sure they were okay. While I know that's the definition of parenting....it leaves an acrid taste in my mouth to have that disregarded and thrown about like it's nothing.
It's my life. It means something. Even if it means nothing to them.
I need to matter somewhere and I don't feel like I do. To anyone. Anywhere. Not even myself.
My head hurts and I'm tired of dealing with idiots. My attitude is pretty cruddy at the moment and I'm trying to change that. Hoping music therapy on the way home will help.
I'm trying hard not to let the rest of my evening go to crap because of all of this.
Perspective some days is easier than other days.
I don't understand how people can go thru their lives completely disregarding their impact on others. I don't understand how they can feel vindicated in treating people like crap. I don't understand how an ego can grow to proportions that someone literally feels like they can do no wrong. And I don't understand how someone can be so narcissistic and such the victim that they NEVER take responsibility for anything, ever and make everything someone else's fault. I don't get it.
I keep reminding myself of my current mantra, " Not my circus, not my monkeys" but again, that's easier some days than others.
I'm tired. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of feeling like I'm such a screw up. I'm tired of feeling like no matter what I do, it's never right. I'm tired of feeling like I could disappear tomorrow and other than a blip on the boys' radar, it wouldn't matter. I don't exist. I'm lonely and beat up and broken and I'm TIRED of being this way. I'm tired of feeling like I'm the only contributor to a relationship that had more than it's fair share of flaws. I'm tired of being told to admit to things I didn't do, because someone else can't quiet their demons. I'm tired of fighting with boys who are chronologically men but emotionally still boys. I'm tired of being treated like I have no wisdom or experience, after 40 years on this Earth.
I'm tired. I'm too old for this crap. I'm past the point in my life where I want peace and happiness and I guess at this point....it's going to be alone. Not how I planned it or wanted it but the alternative has no appeal to me. Crazy Cat Lady it is...or some semblance of it. I don't have faith that I won't keep finding people who carve my heart to bits or that I won't keep choosing relationships that end up in a toxic sludge. I'm trying so hard to take the high road, to keep things amicable, like I did with Dean but I guess I'm tired of being the only one to do so. I'm tired of being the adult. I'm tired of fighting the good fight with my sons, only to have it slammed back in my face that I care TOO MUCH. Is there such a thing? Caring too much? Wanting the best for them and wanting them to NOT repeat the life altering choices or mistakes I made at their ages? Is it a cardinal sin to not want my efforts of the last 20 years tossed out the window like it's nothing? I have literally spent my entire adult life taking care of them, sacrificing for them, giving up MY wants and needs to make sure they were okay. While I know that's the definition of parenting....it leaves an acrid taste in my mouth to have that disregarded and thrown about like it's nothing.
It's my life. It means something. Even if it means nothing to them.
I need to matter somewhere and I don't feel like I do. To anyone. Anywhere. Not even myself.
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