It's a gorgeous day today. Morning has crept into a full blown sunlit day, with a breeze and warm temps and it's only 9am. I'm sitting in my bedroom at this computer, listening to the younger two boys bickering as they clean their room, listening to the wind blow through the trees on the back hill, listening to the clack of the keyboard keys as I make mistake after mistake while typing this.
Stuttering fingers this morning, I guess.
I'm in an odd mood. I'd like to say that since the last entry things went all smooth and back to normal and in some ways, that's true. In others, not so much.
I've spent a lot of time running my fool head off but that has also left me inside my head a lot too.
I'm tired of dealing with other people's drama. This situation with my younger brother is ridiculous but a result of his bad choices. I'll be there for my nieces but I'm pretty certain their mother is in the midst of her own sets of bads choices (alcohol) and I can only do so much.
Hubby and his issues...I can't fix him. Heck, I can't even talk to him most of the time. We don't speak the same language. We get along best when we avoid each other and that's not a marriage.
Ten years of marriage and it's like having a really temperamental roommate that I have sex with.
Yesterday evening was perplexing. Bran won his first tennis match ever!! I was over the moon for him, probably as excited as he was. He walked off the tennis court, listening to his teammates congratulate him and wearing this aura of pride. That is such a nice change of pace!! Tennis has helped him become a stronger person and I'm glad for that.
We stopped at the Fin because Hubby wanted to go fishing today and needed lures, then Bran needed to be taken to his dad's.
No problems there. It wasn't until Deano decided he wanted to stop at his friend Mike's around the corner that the issues began.
He got all weird at the vehicles in the drive, but went inside. The younger two and I sat in the car for nearly 25 minutes before he came back out and gestured me out of the car.
Note: these are his friends. NOT mine. I know who they are but we have next to nothing in common and I don't know them well. There are "lifestyle choices" that don't agree with mine and I choose not to be around them much.
Long story short, the boys were starving and I was trying hard to usher Hubby along so that we could get them fed. It was nearly 9pm before we finally left and we typically eat dinner at 5:30!
We argued the whole way home. He said I embarassed him, that he felt like he was standing there with his disapproving mother, that the least I can do is be friendly to his friends.
In my defense, I WAS!! I stood outside their house, talked about random generic things, laughed with the wife....I played nice. I just don't want to be best buddies. Apparently, there's something wrong with that.
I went my way and he went his once we were home. I Facebooked (is that even a real term?) and I read until I began to feel tired and then I went to bed. As I lay there in the dark, I thought about the day and got teary, which of course is when he chose to stand in the doorway.
That led to a long, tearful (on my part) conversation and dumping of brain.
I don't want to live this way anymore. I don't want to walk on eggshells, not knowing how someone's going to react or what mood they're going to be in each hour. I don't want to have a roommate with benefits marriage. I'm lonely. That's not to say I want to run out and begin a relationship with someone else, because I don't. I just don't want to be in an unhappy one. I'd be less lonely if I were living by myself, if that makes sense.
I want peace. I want stability. I want to be able to relax inside my own four walls.
I want joy in Life and I want my boys to be able to grow up and NOT be what they're seeing right now when we argue.
I love him but I don't want to be together just because of that, if we only bring out the worst in one another. Neither of us deserves that kind of life.
I don't understand why it's all so complicated...and maybe it's not, maybe it just seems that way because I'm drowning in the middle of it all. Maybe if I stepped back, it would all fall into perspective. I just don't know how to do that right this second.
***
So he's fishing. I'm trying to get motivated because I have 100+ things to do today.
The boys are muttering to one another. I guess this is as much peace as I am likely to get this day.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Monday, April 13, 2009
bad night
Today was going so well. I'd gotten the things accomplished that I needed to, had picked up a couple of things I needed for Scouts tonight. Then I get this text message from my husband, asking where I was.
Apparently, he'd wanted to go to his pal's house tonight. I hadn't a clue, because he didn't mention it to me at all. I get home from picking up the boys and finishing up the errands I needed to run and he was fuming. Pissed is a better word.
And that sent my entire evening into a downward spiral. Because he was unhappy, everyone else was going to be as well. He doesn't ever acknowledge his own screw ups but damned if he doesn't point out everyone else's.
Not once would he admit tonight that if he wanted to do something, he should have said something. Instead, it was all my fault: I intuit things for the boys and therefore should treat him the same (a breath after he screamed at me for "treating him like one of the boys"), I'm always too busy doing things for PTO/Scouts/Tennis/The Boys that I don't EVER think of him, etc. etc. etc.
In his view, tonight, I'm a lousy wife. Why he even bothers to come home from work is a mystery to him. He has no Life and it's all my fault, because I hold him back from doing everything he wants to do, except work, work and more work. He threatened numerous times to walk, got in my face and screamed with veins popping out in his neck, spittle flying...
and yet I'm the cause of all our stress. As the evening progressed, he felt I'd screwed up by making him eat leftovers, hadn't washed the shirt he wanted to wear (even though he has about 30 tshirts to choose from and could have worn any of the others or TOLD ME that he wanted to wear this one), bothered him while he was watching the Cavs and then packed the wrong things for his lunch. I left for Scouts, came home and it was more of the same.
I'm so tired. The Smart Girl in me knows this is emotional abuse, that he can't take responsibility for his own actions and so he blames everyone around him for the results. The Smart Girl in me says this is ridiculous, that I'm married to a 2 yr old who, when he doesn't get his way, stomps his feet and throws his tantrums. The Smart Girl in me also knows that I have no job, no way to support my kids and is terrified to tell him to hit the road because she doesn't know what she'll do.
No car. No job. Those two things keep playing Ring Around The Rosie in my head because without one, I have trouble with another, and vice versa. If he leaves, he takes the van with him because it's technically in his mother's name. I'm so fucked.
Finally managed to file our taxes last week and we're getting a whopping $2000 if we're lucky, after the IRS and Child Support takes their chunks. The original return was nearly $6000.
I half-jokingly told him I need a job and we need a divorce so that I can get a real tax return.
I think he thought I was REALLY joking. I wasn't honestly joking at all. I'm tired of having money I should be getting for MY sons going to HIS debts. It's making me resentful as hell.
In reality, I keep asking myself how much more of this crap I'm going to take before I either have a mental breakdown, kill myself or kill him.
It's just bizarre because all weekend long, he was lovey dovey, sending me texts telling me he loved me, cuddly and affectionate and then today it was a shitstorm.
Because I didn't tell him I was going to pick up a couple of things after the boys got off school.
The absolute worst part of all this is that my boys get to sit and hear this crap.
I hate fighting but I hate even more that they have to listen to the fighting. And nothing I do makes him stop or calm down or rational.
I just needed to unload this, let it out of my head. I don't have anyone to talk to and if I keep stuffing this down, it's going to kill me.
Reminder to myself: I really AM better than this. I deserve better.
I'm living with Dr. Jeckyll/Mr. Hyde.
Apparently, he'd wanted to go to his pal's house tonight. I hadn't a clue, because he didn't mention it to me at all. I get home from picking up the boys and finishing up the errands I needed to run and he was fuming. Pissed is a better word.
And that sent my entire evening into a downward spiral. Because he was unhappy, everyone else was going to be as well. He doesn't ever acknowledge his own screw ups but damned if he doesn't point out everyone else's.
Not once would he admit tonight that if he wanted to do something, he should have said something. Instead, it was all my fault: I intuit things for the boys and therefore should treat him the same (a breath after he screamed at me for "treating him like one of the boys"), I'm always too busy doing things for PTO/Scouts/Tennis/The Boys that I don't EVER think of him, etc. etc. etc.
In his view, tonight, I'm a lousy wife. Why he even bothers to come home from work is a mystery to him. He has no Life and it's all my fault, because I hold him back from doing everything he wants to do, except work, work and more work. He threatened numerous times to walk, got in my face and screamed with veins popping out in his neck, spittle flying...
and yet I'm the cause of all our stress. As the evening progressed, he felt I'd screwed up by making him eat leftovers, hadn't washed the shirt he wanted to wear (even though he has about 30 tshirts to choose from and could have worn any of the others or TOLD ME that he wanted to wear this one), bothered him while he was watching the Cavs and then packed the wrong things for his lunch. I left for Scouts, came home and it was more of the same.
I'm so tired. The Smart Girl in me knows this is emotional abuse, that he can't take responsibility for his own actions and so he blames everyone around him for the results. The Smart Girl in me says this is ridiculous, that I'm married to a 2 yr old who, when he doesn't get his way, stomps his feet and throws his tantrums. The Smart Girl in me also knows that I have no job, no way to support my kids and is terrified to tell him to hit the road because she doesn't know what she'll do.
No car. No job. Those two things keep playing Ring Around The Rosie in my head because without one, I have trouble with another, and vice versa. If he leaves, he takes the van with him because it's technically in his mother's name. I'm so fucked.
Finally managed to file our taxes last week and we're getting a whopping $2000 if we're lucky, after the IRS and Child Support takes their chunks. The original return was nearly $6000.
I half-jokingly told him I need a job and we need a divorce so that I can get a real tax return.
I think he thought I was REALLY joking. I wasn't honestly joking at all. I'm tired of having money I should be getting for MY sons going to HIS debts. It's making me resentful as hell.
In reality, I keep asking myself how much more of this crap I'm going to take before I either have a mental breakdown, kill myself or kill him.
It's just bizarre because all weekend long, he was lovey dovey, sending me texts telling me he loved me, cuddly and affectionate and then today it was a shitstorm.
Because I didn't tell him I was going to pick up a couple of things after the boys got off school.
The absolute worst part of all this is that my boys get to sit and hear this crap.
I hate fighting but I hate even more that they have to listen to the fighting. And nothing I do makes him stop or calm down or rational.
I just needed to unload this, let it out of my head. I don't have anyone to talk to and if I keep stuffing this down, it's going to kill me.
Reminder to myself: I really AM better than this. I deserve better.
I'm living with Dr. Jeckyll/Mr. Hyde.
Friday, April 3, 2009
Spring Break, Day 1
I can't believe it's Spring Break already. This school year (and I know I say this every year but it's exquisitely true) is flying by so quickly. I can't seem to hold on to the days!
We all slept in this morning. I typically am up by 5:30am most mornings so staying in bed until 9am is a luxury. The boys were up around the same time, and were able to take their time eating, etc.
One of the things I love about having sons so close in age is the comradery they share most of the time. As they were getting breakfast, all three so thrilled to NOT be in school, they joked and played around, giving one another a hard time and just wallowing in their personal freedoms. As a mom, it's awesome to hear them building their relationships in such an ordinary way.
I have a very different relationship with all of my siblings. My older brother wasn't around much when I was growing up as he lived with his father. My younger brother was so MUCH younger (9 years) that it was more like having a child of my own and my little sister literally is the same age as my middle son so that's pretty self-explanatory.
I always envied those I knew who were close with their families, especially siblings.
It warms my heart to hear my sons interacting. That's not to say it's always rainbows and butterflies because that couldn't be further from the truth! We have days where they scrap like puppies, bickering over the tiniest bit of space/Lego/detail/game and I'd like nothing more than to Duct-tape their mouths and find a very large closet to put them into. However, for the most part, they get along well and we're blessed.
It's been a fairly laidback day. We went to the library, stopped on our way home at the produce market and bread store and have spent most of the day vegging. My oldest was supposed to have his first home tennis match this afternoon but it was cancelled due to the rain.
Our area has been enduring April showers alllll day and I'm sure it would have made for an interesting match. I wonder if it's possible to hydroplane in sneakers on a tennis court?
Hubby didn't make it to bed this morning after work and has been sleeping on the couch, which means we have to tiptoe through the living room to move through the house. *sigh* Aggravating.
He's in a better mood. I'm ashamed to admit that sometimes I wonder if he has a secret drug problem or something that I could blame for his mood swings but then I remind myself that there would be other signs if it were something like that. I have a feeling he needs mood stabilizers but he'd never, ever in a million years see a therapist for something like that. His family is VERY adamant that nothing like mental illness could EVER be in their perfect family. Admitting that it might would show weakness, something they'd rather die than do. Getting him into marriage counseling was hard enough, literally because I told him he'd have to move out otherwise. I don't think I could ever talk him into seeking help for just himself because then he'd have to accept that HE was the problem. *repeat sigh*
With the tennis schedule and the younger two boys' Scouting, we're not going anywhere for Spring Break but I'm okay staying home. It's going to afford me a little extra time to try to catch up on housework and decluttering, since I won't have to be running all over Hell and back playing taxi service and doing PTO things. I'm looking forward to Freecycling some of the crap that's taking up space in this house and just collecting dust! Right this second, however, I'm most looking forward to curling up with some of my new library books and enjoying our Slug Day.
Yay for Slug Days!
We all slept in this morning. I typically am up by 5:30am most mornings so staying in bed until 9am is a luxury. The boys were up around the same time, and were able to take their time eating, etc.
One of the things I love about having sons so close in age is the comradery they share most of the time. As they were getting breakfast, all three so thrilled to NOT be in school, they joked and played around, giving one another a hard time and just wallowing in their personal freedoms. As a mom, it's awesome to hear them building their relationships in such an ordinary way.
I have a very different relationship with all of my siblings. My older brother wasn't around much when I was growing up as he lived with his father. My younger brother was so MUCH younger (9 years) that it was more like having a child of my own and my little sister literally is the same age as my middle son so that's pretty self-explanatory.
I always envied those I knew who were close with their families, especially siblings.
It warms my heart to hear my sons interacting. That's not to say it's always rainbows and butterflies because that couldn't be further from the truth! We have days where they scrap like puppies, bickering over the tiniest bit of space/Lego/detail/game and I'd like nothing more than to Duct-tape their mouths and find a very large closet to put them into. However, for the most part, they get along well and we're blessed.
It's been a fairly laidback day. We went to the library, stopped on our way home at the produce market and bread store and have spent most of the day vegging. My oldest was supposed to have his first home tennis match this afternoon but it was cancelled due to the rain.
Our area has been enduring April showers alllll day and I'm sure it would have made for an interesting match. I wonder if it's possible to hydroplane in sneakers on a tennis court?
Hubby didn't make it to bed this morning after work and has been sleeping on the couch, which means we have to tiptoe through the living room to move through the house. *sigh* Aggravating.
He's in a better mood. I'm ashamed to admit that sometimes I wonder if he has a secret drug problem or something that I could blame for his mood swings but then I remind myself that there would be other signs if it were something like that. I have a feeling he needs mood stabilizers but he'd never, ever in a million years see a therapist for something like that. His family is VERY adamant that nothing like mental illness could EVER be in their perfect family. Admitting that it might would show weakness, something they'd rather die than do. Getting him into marriage counseling was hard enough, literally because I told him he'd have to move out otherwise. I don't think I could ever talk him into seeking help for just himself because then he'd have to accept that HE was the problem. *repeat sigh*
With the tennis schedule and the younger two boys' Scouting, we're not going anywhere for Spring Break but I'm okay staying home. It's going to afford me a little extra time to try to catch up on housework and decluttering, since I won't have to be running all over Hell and back playing taxi service and doing PTO things. I'm looking forward to Freecycling some of the crap that's taking up space in this house and just collecting dust! Right this second, however, I'm most looking forward to curling up with some of my new library books and enjoying our Slug Day.
Yay for Slug Days!
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
I need a break
This has been a heck of a month. I'm fried.
More family drama (briefly: younger brother choked my mother 3 times, held a knife to her bf's throat and I got a call in the middle of the night from a deputy asking if mom and sis could come stay with me until they found him). Both brothers are in the county jail, one for not paying fines, the other as a result of assaulting my mother.
Younger Brother's Baby Mama called and asked if I'd take their 2 yr old to visit her daddy in the jail as she was not dealing well with the complete lack of contact. Baby Mama couldn't take her because a) she's pregnant and due this week to give birth to his second daughter and b) she has an outstanding warrant as well.
*sigh*
So it was family reunion time at the jail. Mom visited my older brother, I toted a 2 yr old (against my better judgement!!) in to visit her daddy. Joy. Joy and happiness.
I was very uncomfortable with taking my niece into the jail because honestly, I don't think that kiddos need to know what that's like. My mother used to drag my brother and I to visit my stepfather in prison and honestly, that's an education I wish I could have avoided.
Gah.
Life at Home is...down again. Hubby is grumpy and grumbly and hypercritical. I'm so tired of trying to buffer his nasty attitude for everyone. When he went to Texas for that week to visit Michael...it was the most peace I've had in 10 years. For one glorious week, I didn't have to walk on eggshells, I didn't have to ask permission, I could breathe and not worry about what sort of mood he was going to be in when I came home. It was such a looser atmosphere here and truthfully, when he came home, it felt like I'd been living with the windows open and someone slammed them all shut on me. Stifling.
PTO is killing me. I have a treasurer who's stepping up to be president next year and is stepping on toes already, some of them mine. I'm just trying to keep my head above water, organizationally speaking, for the next two months and then I'm done. It's been rewarding but it's also been very time consuming and sometimes, very trying. People, unfortunately, can be assholes!
The boys are wonderful. They are the biggest blessings in my life.
Bran is really finding a toehold since he joined tennis. I think he feels a little more comfortable in his skin and that makes me happy for him. Trevor's therapist thinks he might be ready to take a break from therapy for a while. He says that we'll leave the option open to return as transitioning from 6th to 7th grade might be trying for Trev but overall, he's doing well. Ryan was tested for the gifted program and was selected as the only 6th grader from our school to take 9th grade Algebra as a 7th grader next year. This means he'll get a high school credit (in 7th grade) for a math course that counts towards high school graduation. I was blown away!!
They've had their fair share of ups and downs this year as well but for the most part, we've all managed to stay afloat. It's just not the easiest thing in the world to do some days.
I'm so glad Spring is here. I can't wait to get started on my garden (although the boys aren't looking forward to helping me weed it!) and I really need to be outside and away from the clutter in my house for awhile. Or maybe I just need everyone to leave me along IN the house so I can throw out the clutter!!
Maybe both... and a clone or two, too, please!
Still a work in progress, I guess. Doing my best to muddle through.
More family drama (briefly: younger brother choked my mother 3 times, held a knife to her bf's throat and I got a call in the middle of the night from a deputy asking if mom and sis could come stay with me until they found him). Both brothers are in the county jail, one for not paying fines, the other as a result of assaulting my mother.
Younger Brother's Baby Mama called and asked if I'd take their 2 yr old to visit her daddy in the jail as she was not dealing well with the complete lack of contact. Baby Mama couldn't take her because a) she's pregnant and due this week to give birth to his second daughter and b) she has an outstanding warrant as well.
*sigh*
So it was family reunion time at the jail. Mom visited my older brother, I toted a 2 yr old (against my better judgement!!) in to visit her daddy. Joy. Joy and happiness.
I was very uncomfortable with taking my niece into the jail because honestly, I don't think that kiddos need to know what that's like. My mother used to drag my brother and I to visit my stepfather in prison and honestly, that's an education I wish I could have avoided.
Gah.
Life at Home is...down again. Hubby is grumpy and grumbly and hypercritical. I'm so tired of trying to buffer his nasty attitude for everyone. When he went to Texas for that week to visit Michael...it was the most peace I've had in 10 years. For one glorious week, I didn't have to walk on eggshells, I didn't have to ask permission, I could breathe and not worry about what sort of mood he was going to be in when I came home. It was such a looser atmosphere here and truthfully, when he came home, it felt like I'd been living with the windows open and someone slammed them all shut on me. Stifling.
PTO is killing me. I have a treasurer who's stepping up to be president next year and is stepping on toes already, some of them mine. I'm just trying to keep my head above water, organizationally speaking, for the next two months and then I'm done. It's been rewarding but it's also been very time consuming and sometimes, very trying. People, unfortunately, can be assholes!
The boys are wonderful. They are the biggest blessings in my life.
Bran is really finding a toehold since he joined tennis. I think he feels a little more comfortable in his skin and that makes me happy for him. Trevor's therapist thinks he might be ready to take a break from therapy for a while. He says that we'll leave the option open to return as transitioning from 6th to 7th grade might be trying for Trev but overall, he's doing well. Ryan was tested for the gifted program and was selected as the only 6th grader from our school to take 9th grade Algebra as a 7th grader next year. This means he'll get a high school credit (in 7th grade) for a math course that counts towards high school graduation. I was blown away!!
They've had their fair share of ups and downs this year as well but for the most part, we've all managed to stay afloat. It's just not the easiest thing in the world to do some days.
I'm so glad Spring is here. I can't wait to get started on my garden (although the boys aren't looking forward to helping me weed it!) and I really need to be outside and away from the clutter in my house for awhile. Or maybe I just need everyone to leave me along IN the house so I can throw out the clutter!!
Maybe both... and a clone or two, too, please!
Still a work in progress, I guess. Doing my best to muddle through.
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