In search of answers and peace

It's a gorgeous day today. Morning has crept into a full blown sunlit day, with a breeze and warm temps and it's only 9am. I'm sitting in my bedroom at this computer, listening to the younger two boys bickering as they clean their room, listening to the wind blow through the trees on the back hill, listening to the clack of the keyboard keys as I make mistake after mistake while typing this.
Stuttering fingers this morning, I guess.
I'm in an odd mood. I'd like to say that since the last entry things went all smooth and back to normal and in some ways, that's true. In others, not so much.
I've spent a lot of time running my fool head off but that has also left me inside my head a lot too.
I'm tired of dealing with other people's drama. This situation with my younger brother is ridiculous but a result of his bad choices. I'll be there for my nieces but I'm pretty certain their mother is in the midst of her own sets of bads choices (alcohol) and I can only do so much.
Hubby and his issues...I can't fix him. Heck, I can't even talk to him most of the time. We don't speak the same language. We get along best when we avoid each other and that's not a marriage.
Ten years of marriage and it's like having a really temperamental roommate that I have sex with.
Yesterday evening was perplexing. Bran won his first tennis match ever!! I was over the moon for him, probably as excited as he was. He walked off the tennis court, listening to his teammates congratulate him and wearing this aura of pride. That is such a nice change of pace!! Tennis has helped him become a stronger person and I'm glad for that.
We stopped at the Fin because Hubby wanted to go fishing today and needed lures, then Bran needed to be taken to his dad's.
No problems there. It wasn't until Deano decided he wanted to stop at his friend Mike's around the corner that the issues began.
He got all weird at the vehicles in the drive, but went inside. The younger two and I sat in the car for nearly 25 minutes before he came back out and gestured me out of the car.
Note: these are his friends. NOT mine. I know who they are but we have next to nothing in common and I don't know them well. There are "lifestyle choices" that don't agree with mine and I choose not to be around them much.
Long story short, the boys were starving and I was trying hard to usher Hubby along so that we could get them fed. It was nearly 9pm before we finally left and we typically eat dinner at 5:30!
We argued the whole way home. He said I embarassed him, that he felt like he was standing there with his disapproving mother, that the least I can do is be friendly to his friends.
In my defense, I WAS!! I stood outside their house, talked about random generic things, laughed with the wife....I played nice. I just don't want to be best buddies. Apparently, there's something wrong with that.
I went my way and he went his once we were home. I Facebooked (is that even a real term?) and I read until I began to feel tired and then I went to bed. As I lay there in the dark, I thought about the day and got teary, which of course is when he chose to stand in the doorway.
That led to a long, tearful (on my part) conversation and dumping of brain.
I don't want to live this way anymore. I don't want to walk on eggshells, not knowing how someone's going to react or what mood they're going to be in each hour. I don't want to have a roommate with benefits marriage. I'm lonely. That's not to say I want to run out and begin a relationship with someone else, because I don't. I just don't want to be in an unhappy one. I'd be less lonely if I were living by myself, if that makes sense.
I want peace. I want stability. I want to be able to relax inside my own four walls.
I want joy in Life and I want my boys to be able to grow up and NOT be what they're seeing right now when we argue.
I love him but I don't want to be together just because of that, if we only bring out the worst in one another. Neither of us deserves that kind of life.
I don't understand why it's all so complicated...and maybe it's not, maybe it just seems that way because I'm drowning in the middle of it all. Maybe if I stepped back, it would all fall into perspective. I just don't know how to do that right this second.
***
So he's fishing. I'm trying to get motivated because I have 100+ things to do today.
The boys are muttering to one another. I guess this is as much peace as I am likely to get this day.