Hope is a fragile thing.
When the boys were small, my hope was that because they were close in age and because I was raising them as a unit, that maybe they'd be close. My hope was that they would have the sort of sibling relationship I never really had with any of mine, largely caused by the age differences.
My hope...has and has not come to fruition.
If you take them in certain groups of twos, they are close and get along well. There's one set of two that never works and that is Ryan and Trevor together. I don't know if it's because there's only a year between the two of them or if it's because of the personalities involved or a combination of all of those factors but they don't get along all that well. If you ask Ryan, he has NO relationship with Trevor and has no feelings for him at all, no attachment at all. Trevor, because of his Asperger's Syndrome, can't really give a clear-cut idea of his level of attachment to Ry.
And it breaks this mom's heart just a little, to allow that hope to die it's death. I think sometimes you have to stop having an expectation or a hope and deal with the reality of the situation and that's where I'm standing when it comes to these two younger boys of mine.
I don't know if they'll ever be close. I think Ry has a lot of resentment towards Trev because he's always felt like he was the older brother and also because Ry tends to lack empathy. It's something I've fought since he was small, trying to instill in him some sort of compassion for others so he doesn't end up a sociopath or freaking serial killer. It's been a battle that's had minor triumphs and myriad losses.
Neither of these two are bad people, just maybe they don't mesh well and that's something I'm still struggling to accept.
Brandon, as oldest, tends to buffer them. It's reassuring in a lot of ways to know after I'm dead and gone, he'll be there for Trevor because with Trev's autism, he's easily swayed and easily taken advantage of. I just wish Ryan could mature enough to the point he can be not so obstinate and aggressive in his stance towards his brother.
Again, maybe that's just a refusal to accept a dying hope.
I have other hopes, some unrealistic in the face of my past experience. I don't need a husband or wife to be happy but I want one. I have always held some tender little hope in my heart that somewhere, somehow, there's someone who will love and accept me for me, someone who will let me love them back, someone who will decide I'm a keeper.
In the big picture, I don't believe in fairy tales, I know relationships are always work and I know that there's no such thing as a knight in shining armor but deep in a corner of my heart, I hope there's someone who wants to be that for me. Maybe that's why I keep picking up the pieces of my smashed little heart and dusting them off after each and every failure in love I've had. I want to matter. I want to know there's someone in the world who looks forward to my existence as much as I do their's. I hope that someone, some day, will look at me and love me, flaws and all.
Hope...fragile. And persistent.
When the boys were small, my hope was that because they were close in age and because I was raising them as a unit, that maybe they'd be close. My hope was that they would have the sort of sibling relationship I never really had with any of mine, largely caused by the age differences.
My hope...has and has not come to fruition.
If you take them in certain groups of twos, they are close and get along well. There's one set of two that never works and that is Ryan and Trevor together. I don't know if it's because there's only a year between the two of them or if it's because of the personalities involved or a combination of all of those factors but they don't get along all that well. If you ask Ryan, he has NO relationship with Trevor and has no feelings for him at all, no attachment at all. Trevor, because of his Asperger's Syndrome, can't really give a clear-cut idea of his level of attachment to Ry.
And it breaks this mom's heart just a little, to allow that hope to die it's death. I think sometimes you have to stop having an expectation or a hope and deal with the reality of the situation and that's where I'm standing when it comes to these two younger boys of mine.
I don't know if they'll ever be close. I think Ry has a lot of resentment towards Trev because he's always felt like he was the older brother and also because Ry tends to lack empathy. It's something I've fought since he was small, trying to instill in him some sort of compassion for others so he doesn't end up a sociopath or freaking serial killer. It's been a battle that's had minor triumphs and myriad losses.
Neither of these two are bad people, just maybe they don't mesh well and that's something I'm still struggling to accept.
Brandon, as oldest, tends to buffer them. It's reassuring in a lot of ways to know after I'm dead and gone, he'll be there for Trevor because with Trev's autism, he's easily swayed and easily taken advantage of. I just wish Ryan could mature enough to the point he can be not so obstinate and aggressive in his stance towards his brother.
Again, maybe that's just a refusal to accept a dying hope.
I have other hopes, some unrealistic in the face of my past experience. I don't need a husband or wife to be happy but I want one. I have always held some tender little hope in my heart that somewhere, somehow, there's someone who will love and accept me for me, someone who will let me love them back, someone who will decide I'm a keeper.
In the big picture, I don't believe in fairy tales, I know relationships are always work and I know that there's no such thing as a knight in shining armor but deep in a corner of my heart, I hope there's someone who wants to be that for me. Maybe that's why I keep picking up the pieces of my smashed little heart and dusting them off after each and every failure in love I've had. I want to matter. I want to know there's someone in the world who looks forward to my existence as much as I do their's. I hope that someone, some day, will look at me and love me, flaws and all.
Hope...fragile. And persistent.
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