Fault lines

I'm not a perfect person. I make mistakes, I make bad choices, I stumble and I fall, I hurt myself and others, I damage things sometimes. I overthink things, I have the kind of temper that occasionally flares quickly and burns out just as quickly but other times takes a long time to ignite then burns so hot it's cold. I have a sharp tongue sometimes and can slice and dice without even realizing I'm doing so. I'm impatient with myself, harder on me than I ever will be on others, insecure at times and have a melancholy streak a mile wide. I need as much attention as anyone, but also need my personal space.

I'm flawed. I'm human. I try to be self aware, to take a personal inventory now and again and fine tune the parts that need it. I try so hard to treat other people how I want to be treated and yet somehow, it never quite comes out that way.

I champion the underdog, I'm intolerant of intolerance, I have a kind heart with a gentle soul. I want to matter, I want to know that if something happened tomorrow the people I love would remember that I loved with every ounce of my being and I cared so very much for them. I want to know someone somewhere would mark my absence. 

I've struggled in my life. I know I've caused damage sometimes. I have regrets but I try hard to not have too many. What I've done, who I've been in the past, the errors I made and the bumps in the road have brought me to where and who I am today and I'm a better person for it. 

I wish I could write a letter to each person I've damaged, some of whom are still actively in my life, to explain why I've done some of the things I've done or where I was in my life at the time shit hit the fan but a larger part of me thinks that's counterproductive in a lot of ways. We can apologize for actions, admit we fuck up, give sincere apologies and try to make amends as best we can but we can't wallow in the negativity in our past. We can only move forward. I think sometimes understanding is the hardest part of everything. We all want to know WHY right?

Sometimes, there's just no answer to that question. Or if there is, it doesn't REALLY answer it because even with all the empathy in the world, we can really only see things from our own perspective. 

And maybe that's the lesson. Take no shit yet do no harm.