I am not the sort of person who is good at hiding my emotions or thoughts. I have the kind of expressive face that gives it all away, that lets people see inside me like I have no barriers. So many times I've been told I wear my heart on my sleeve or that someone can read me like a book and while there are times I wish it were different, that I could keep a little of myself hidden away for protections, for the most part I'm okay with being so open. I guess I like to think that in spite of all the bullshit I've been through and dealt with, that I've managed to keep an open heart. I am a strange mix of child-like and gun-shy, open and scarred.
Boundaries have always been an issue with me. Mine are very fluid, easily moved or smudged. I tend to overthink everything, place others' needs in front of my own and swallow any frustrations or resentments I have because I war with my sense of self preservation vs. my people-pleasing personality. I wish I could stand firm more often but that leads to a guilt that ...I can't always handle. Sometimes it feels like disappointing myself is more easily managed than the disappointment of others.
I don't want to be that way, though. I want to be healthy, with knowledge to my core that it's okay to say no, to put myself first, to not always just take what is handed to me. It's just...not easy. It hurts. And while I know all change hurts to some degree, putting myself in front of others hurts to the nth degree when I know it makes people important to me unhappy in any way.
It's a complex situation that is exacerbated by my submissiveness, by my Piscean nature, by my life-long training to be what everyone wants and needs me to be.
Relationships...not having a poker face in a relationship is akin to handing someone a box of matches then setting up kindling all around and putting flashing signs overhead to alert them to where to start the fires. Or at least, in my experience, that's what it's like. Maybe because I haven't had such stellar partners? Rob wasn't so bad, although we tended to fight a bit towards the end. He was probably the healthiest of all my past relationships. I just wasn't. I was fresh out of my dysfunctional family home, fresh out of high school, raw and wounded and trying to heal without any guidance as to how to do so. Dean and Dee we won't even go into. "Submissive" got bastardized into "slave" and "doormat", which I neither want to be nor AM.
I just..want to be happy. Healthy. Able to be assertive, not aggressive, not passive. Able to just be..me. And be loved and accepted for that. It's what everyone wants, right? To know that they can be their authentic selves and still matter, still be valued? I guess I don't understand why that's so hard to find.
Does having a poker face, being able to hold a piece of yourself back, help?
Boundaries have always been an issue with me. Mine are very fluid, easily moved or smudged. I tend to overthink everything, place others' needs in front of my own and swallow any frustrations or resentments I have because I war with my sense of self preservation vs. my people-pleasing personality. I wish I could stand firm more often but that leads to a guilt that ...I can't always handle. Sometimes it feels like disappointing myself is more easily managed than the disappointment of others.
I don't want to be that way, though. I want to be healthy, with knowledge to my core that it's okay to say no, to put myself first, to not always just take what is handed to me. It's just...not easy. It hurts. And while I know all change hurts to some degree, putting myself in front of others hurts to the nth degree when I know it makes people important to me unhappy in any way.
It's a complex situation that is exacerbated by my submissiveness, by my Piscean nature, by my life-long training to be what everyone wants and needs me to be.
Relationships...not having a poker face in a relationship is akin to handing someone a box of matches then setting up kindling all around and putting flashing signs overhead to alert them to where to start the fires. Or at least, in my experience, that's what it's like. Maybe because I haven't had such stellar partners? Rob wasn't so bad, although we tended to fight a bit towards the end. He was probably the healthiest of all my past relationships. I just wasn't. I was fresh out of my dysfunctional family home, fresh out of high school, raw and wounded and trying to heal without any guidance as to how to do so. Dean and Dee we won't even go into. "Submissive" got bastardized into "slave" and "doormat", which I neither want to be nor AM.
I just..want to be happy. Healthy. Able to be assertive, not aggressive, not passive. Able to just be..me. And be loved and accepted for that. It's what everyone wants, right? To know that they can be their authentic selves and still matter, still be valued? I guess I don't understand why that's so hard to find.
Does having a poker face, being able to hold a piece of yourself back, help?
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