Easter

Easter was pretty quiet, boys home but each doing their own thing and me doing mine. It's not the same as it was when they were little but I treasure having them around. I know there's a time coming soon where they won't be, where they will be moved on to their own lives and interests, doings and families and I won't have them so close. 

I was missing home pretty badly. Or rather, I was missing knowing I belonged somewhere. That little knowing in the back of my head that THIS is where I fit. Some of this, I think, was brought on by the news that Dee proposed to the rebound girl this week while they had their very first face to face meeting (as one friend said, MOVE FAST MUCH??). On most levels, I still very much feel like I dodged a bullet there, and this set of circumstances simply made that all the more clear. I guess on some tiny little deep level, my ego took a smidge of a hit. I'm adult enough to admit that it stings a bit to know how little I mattered. Realistically, I know that it's not a direct reflection of my worth but..the unhealthy part of me holds on to that for a bit before letting go. 

She has followed nearly exactly the path she did with me, and I'm not sure what that says about her but it makes me feel foolish and like I missed way more red flags than I was aware I had already.

In the end, I am better off. The stress of being with her, the fighting and the constant walking on eggshells we'd evolved to, the now-apparent ways I completely changed who I was when I was with her...it's freeing to NOT be Dee's gf anymore. 

Maybe we all have twinges now and again and part of being self aware and healing and moving forward in a healthier manner with lessons learned is acknowledging those twinges and then setting them free? 

I wish Life had a guidebook at least, potential pitfalls that may occur along the roads and pathways, and detours to take when you meet them. That would be too easy, though, wouldn't it? And maybe defeat the whole purpose of the venture.

The other side of the "missing" equation is that I do miss some of the family and I miss the familiarity it bred. I didn't always feel accepted and loved there, felt like there were hoops to jump through in order to receive approval but it was still home. Maybe I need a visit home, to refresh everyone in my mind and remind myself of why distance is a good thing. I think we all tend to romanticize things a bit when at a distance like this. Sometimes, though, we have to go home to remember why we left.